ABOUT ME
Monday, October 18, 2004
this will never appear again
i'm sorry, i just had to pour all these rubbish out
i'm seriously still lost. i dont know whats going on. i dont know why things turned out to be like that. was it me who hasnt done enough? or im i still not good enough. why leave at the intermission, when things start to fall on me one after another, hitting me harder each time, adding on to pain so unbearable, i scream.
i'm afraid to close my eyes, cause all i'll see is you smiling happily. it grips my heart to tightly, i cant feel the blood in my veins. i'm afaid of waking up on my left, cause i'll see you lying next to me, sleeping so soundly like a little child, but it brings tears to my eyes to realise that will never happen.
i'm so tired of everything i'm facing. but i've to tell myself its alright. i'll just lie to myself that if i get up and go, someday, it'll lead me back to you. its another dream ive created for myself. when will i ever learn. ill refrain from asking myself, where are you when i need you, cause id rather you not see me in this pathetic state. i cant face you.
stop clutching my heart so tightly. do you not realise how much it hurts?
people say im dumb. nothing new. but they say i get dumber each time. i dont agree cause i dont see they way they do. thats all i ask for i think. even right from the start, that i promised myself to make you happy in everyway that i could. and to make your smile my everything. but in the end, it hurts so much to know, that your sweet smile was never meant to be mine, and ill never be that one who makes you smile. take the knife and stab it right through my heart. it wouldnt feel as painful as it is now.
the funniest and weirdest part: ive never blamed you. but myself instead. or was it meant to be this way? ill never know.
i just hope youll remember that i once said that my heart is full and my doors always open and you can come anytime you want. itll always be that way.
ive lost the battle to myself.
baring my soul
at 10:45 PM