ABOUT ME

Thursday, April 27, 2006

you smile the widest




i really hate the long bus rides home alone, cause thats when you think about everything under the sun, about everything you've done and those that you havent. yet i love them so much cause thats the time i get to be quiet and people wont ask me if i'm alright, cause i hate to say that i am, when i'm lying so obviously. ironic isnt it? its as bad as how the world's revolving now.

'i believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye', as that song blasted randomly from my ipod into my ears, i realised that it doesnt work for me this way. i knew what i had when it was still around me, just that i didnt understand why i've lost it. perhaps till today, i still dont know why. 'you never will', you'll probably tell me, 'cause you're so damn oblivious.'(something you once said to me. i dont know why, i dont wish to remember whatever you've said, especially the very hurtful ones, but i just do.). i couldnt believe i've lost it just like that, its just too hard to swallow. i thought time will erase everything, but the time never seem to be up. its always there, i dont know for how long more. maybe it wouldnt at all. cause the more i want it to end, the more i hope it stays. i know i dont make sense at all, i guess i never do when it comes to you.

you told me awhile ago, that you're tired of hanging there, and you think that its really time to just walk away, throw everything behind. i think you're pretty much close to that now. i'm now being thrown far behind your mind, and i've been forced to leap out of your heart, from that position i once held so tightly to.have you really ever listened to what i had to say? you never really bothered to i suppose, cause i know words never came out right when its supposed to be delivered to you. it comes out all wrong that what i say never matched my actions. and i'm too afraid to force my point to you, cause i'm afraid of losing just that slightest contact i have with you. i'm not tired of hanging there, i'm tired of trying to get out of it. i've tried so many times, and as you and all that are close to my heart can see, i failed through and through. and the price i paid, was much too heavy for me to afford. remember the very first time i bumped into you along the streets. at that moment, i realised i was in deep trouble and i had no idea how to get out of it. i wanted to seek help from you, but i was afraid that you'll call me a wimp again. i'm not a wimp, but i dont know how to hurt someone, the way you can. i sometimes wished, i was as hard hearted as you are, i'd probably be far from where i am now.

you seem to prefer coming in and out of my world, as and when you feel like it, and so much so, i'm quite acustomed to it already. and i rather things be the way it is, than you leaving for good. i love to hear about how happy you are with life and the things you do, cause that makes me visualize your smile, that smile which never seems to fade away after so long. that smile that i fell in love with, and that smile which is the most beautiful to me. i've settled for the minimal amount of contact we had and have right now, and you appearing in my dreams once in awhile, where you'll linger in my mind for a couple of days, and that bitterness after successfully overcoming that ridiculous urge to text you.

i believe you can throw out your heart to someone that far, it never returns to you. you can give your love to someone, there isnt any more to spare to others. you have that same person in your mind and your heart, and no one else. but then again, why would you want the love of your life to leave your heart? doesnt make sense, does it?

i know you currently you're set on moving ahead, without me. that doesnt really burn me as much as knowing that you're unhappy too. i love to imagine myself driving you around, to places we'd love to go. probably perth will be a better place for spins, but deep down inside, i know its just a secret dream, with a painful fact that it will never come true. nevertheless, this secret dream of mine keeps me alive.

i wouldnt say anything to you, nothing about US will ever come out of my mouth, cause i dont wish to jeopardize any decisions you maybe making now. as long as it will make you happy, i'll hope you'd take that choice. if you ever think of wanting to make a U-turn, you can always do so. i'd still be here, now and always, whether you believe or not. a very long time ago, i gave you my heart, for you to keep. and till today, i havent gotten it back, and i have a hunch, i never will.you've always been within me, no matter how hard i try to get you out. maybe i havent tried hard enough to, or is it that i dont wanna try harder? i really dont know.

i suddenly wish that you'll be reading all these, but i'm so glad you will never. cause i dont wanna have the painful fact of us being 'just friends' slapped on my face, which i know you will. dont, cause i've gotten your point.

'i believe we place our happiness in other people's hands', sounds so senseless, yet it is the fact. a fact that i've accepted a long time ago. and i cant be bothered to change anything.


a very lengthy entry. the sudden urge of letting everything out. that nostalgic feeling's really chewing my from within.


tomorrow will be a better day.




when I cry inside and my insides blow apart

baring my soul
at 12:10 AM