ABOUT ME

Sunday, August 26, 2007

constantly bailing out water

i really wonder what am i doing here, when there's a bloody pregnancy report to do, and i'm close to tears cause of fatigue. there's that nagging conscience to get my 4 assignments done as soon as possible, but everytime i stare at the close to blank Microsoft Word, i divert my attention else where. not very disciplined huh? i wonder where it all went? did it go together with the time you detached yourself from my world, and it all seem to start crashing down? or did it just unknowingly slip away? i cant quite seem to find that drive and urge back, the one i had back in my early teens, the one that even you were proud at astound by. which was probably why you thought that nothing would ever affect me much or nothing could ever bring me down. you were so wrong. but so was i.

sometimes, recently of course, i really wonder why i make myself work so hard. these days i hardly have the energy to think more than what i need to, cause once i plop myself on the bed, i just get knocked unconscious. i dont even have to count all those mr sheeps anymore. the spare time i get, i.e. in the showers, i think of things that i have to do but have not touched- assignments, tutorials, etc. the only time i let myself "rest", is listening to Sarah Mclachlan. dont ask me why her, and not JT or Nelly Furtardo. she gets right down to the bottom of my sinking and non-existent heart in a queer way, one that i cant seem to put my finger to. and i found that i get so tired, not just physcially and mentally, but tired of live in general, that i sit on the floor while showering, and rest chin, cupped on my knee. i know it sounds odd and scary, but i find myself staring at how the water splashes on the ground, and how they flow down my fingers. and i realise that when i stand up, my vision of whatever i've been paying attention to just change without my realising it. maybe sometimes it is good to take a closer look at things and there are times where you should take a step back, well, in this case, take a step up, and see things. you'd probably be as surprised as i was with what you see.

tonight, despite being tired to the bones, i weep for the loss of a best friend, a family, i weep of the loss of the very thing i have wanted most but which i've allowed it to slip through my fingers under my bare vision. i weep for the painful truth i have to learn to accept. but i'm not at all on the verge to give up on anything else, life in particular. and tonight, i've come to find that i still love you, and you.

we all begin with good intend, when love was raw and young. we believe that we could change ourselves, the past can be undone. but we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals. in the lonely light of morning, the wound that would not heal. its the bitter taste of losing everything that i have held so dear. though i've tried, i've fallen. i have sunk so low, i have messed up. better i should know, so dont come around here and tell me i told you so.


but still feel like i'm going to sink

baring my soul
at 3:37 AM