ABOUT ME

Sunday, August 05, 2007

its not the wind that cracked your shoulder

i always liked the idea of 'penning' things down before i put things behind, at least i attempt to. so when i look back at it, i'd know the good things, and of course, the bad. this time, i'm heart broken, so i think i need to tell someone. whoever is out there to hear my heart bleed, whoever who is left, bothered to listen to this very sad tale of mine, one that like others, seem never ending.

i hate the feeling of having things thrown in my face, cause i know i wouldnt be able to handle it on the spot, no matter how much i try to convince myself that i would eventually take it at my own stride. but at least i know, so i wouldnt have to talk myself into thinking otherwise. and of all the things that i hate, i hate the thought of having things thrown in my face by others and not you anymore. the one who has always been trying to correct me, the one who for the first time in my life, bothered to tell me that my i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-people-like-my-attitude attitude isnt going to work. the one who bothers to force things out of me and not taking for granted when i say "i'm fine, really." the one who cares about the slightest thing about me, even about not having enough to spend. the one whom i thought loved me more than anyone could ever love me, the one who taught me to shut my trap when necessary, the one who cooks me meals when i'm immobile, the one who made me feel that i'm never alone, the one who phones me every now and then then to make sure my day's passed fine when i'm missing in action, the one my heart bled for seeing you cry, the one i thought that my world would come to a halt if you left, the one brightens up my day. and you know what's the hardest thing to do? that's to tell myself that you're gone, and you'll never come back into my life ever again. cause i know you wouldnt and even if you did, i'd probably never let you come back again. cause i've loved you so much, i dont think i can ever give my heart out to you the way i did.

i know i havent exactly been perfect. far from that i know, but i always thought that good things will outweigh the bad, exactly the way you told me would. the way i overlooked all the flaws in you, no matter how much it hurt. i let the very thing that you've said which stabbed me right through just brush pass me like the cars that go by everyday. to me, it really didn matter, cause you, and just you alone, mattered more than anything in the world. you were a friend, a very good friend. probably the best, and i ask for nothing else. you were a sister, you were family. but as cruel as it sounds, i think it never mattered to you anyway.

how could you even think that i was belittling you, when you're the one individual that i was the proudest of? how could you think that i was stepping all over you when i respected you even more than anyone that i ever had respected you. how could you accept what people commented about me, just because they just wanted a say in everything, and take it as it is. how could you walk away from me when i needed you most, and when the whole world was crashing down on me. how could you give me the cold shoulder when every second i stood in front of you was filled with remorse and agony. how could you take the letter i've written to you with every single gut i could muster, with all the emotions i could ever give, and take it as trash. how could you expect so much out of me, when i've never wished for you to do anything, but just to be around and to be just the way you are. how could you? i dont get you, and i dont get it!

i dont give a fucking two hoots about what people think of me, cause they really dont know me! i thought you knew me, but apparently, you really dont. i know i'm a hard nut to crack, for the very reason that i keep everything to myself and i dont show it, and i dont expect you to anticipate my every move, but i thought that the least you should know clearly, was how i felt about you and how much i treasure your presence. havent what i've done enough to prove it all? i guess it doesnt.

to be honest, this has been tormenting me for the longest time i would ever allow anything liek that to, that even now, typing this, i'm actually trying to dry my eyes, but i dont see any worth in me putting effort to salvage things. the sad thing about such things happening, is that you lose the most important things in your life, but the good thing is, you really see how and what people around you are, and i know, one day, you'll see that too. then again, maybe not. its just like very good friends, the good thing is that no matter whether they're physically present or not, you know that they are always there. but the bad thing is, when things turn sour, even if the person stands right in front of you, you know that every single love and emotion has been dried up and is stagnant. this, is the feeling you gave me, the day you sat in front of me, with that blankness in your eyes. i know you well enough to say this, and i know you well enough to know how you'd react to this, if you'd ever bother reading this.

for now, i truely wish you luck and happiness. as much as i hope that you'd remain as happy as you are now, let me tell you, one day, if she's going to break your heart the way your worst nightmare pictures, i hope those people around you now are going to be bothered to spend a whole night listening to you rattle on and on. but i can foresee on your behalf, that they would listen and give you that i-really-sympathise-in-you-and-i-feel-your-pain look, but inside, they'd be thinking, "see, i told you so!" the very thing that would be the last thing you ever wanted to hear, the thing that you hate hearing most. not the way that i had, when i saw you sobbing your heart out, and all i could feel, was my heart crying with you.

i thank you for everything, big or little that you've done for me. allowing me to wail into your gold coat, even allowing me to lie in your arms when i was at the lowest point, allowing me to stand up for you when someone tries to get in your way, allowing me to save you from dodgy people at clubs, allowing me to be in your life, and perhaps for once, be a big part of it, if i can even think in that way. thank you for teaching me alittle bit more about life, and how to go about being in one. i've appreciated it, in every inch of my heart, and i still do, cause i dont think anyone will ever bother reaching out to me the way you do, just that i know, like usual, i dont show it. i'm sorry if i ever hurt you, and i'm sorry that i will never be able to give you whatever i had. one of the biggest mistake that i've made, is to not heed your advice, to give what i can and not what i have, to you.

and as of now, nothing else is ever going to bring me down. it the most absurd manner, you've made me even stronger, and of course, much much colder.

hey your glass is empty, its hell of a long way home. why dont you let me take you, its no good to be alone. i never would have opened up, but you seemed so real to me. and after all the bullshit i've heard, its refreshing not to see, that i dont have to pretend, she doesnt expect it from me. so dont tell me i've never been good to you, dont tell me i've never been there for you, and just tell me why, nothing is ever good enough.


and threw you to the ground

baring my soul
at 2:56 AM