ABOUT ME

Friday, August 10, 2007

things wouldnt seem so confused

it really surprises me, how difficult it can be, just trying to differentiate the different emotions that are swimming within you. for a second you would feel as if it was a total rage just ready to burst through your chest, and the next, you thought that you were so miserable, you just feel like bursting into tears. what makes things even more confusing, is that despite having so much to handle, you're actually located in a joyous atmosphere, where everyone is in the mood to celebrate. only the weather really complimented how i felt at that time. at least something, if not someone, is compassionate enough to give me some attention.

dont get me wrong, its not that i really desire any attention. on the other hand, i wish i didn get any attention. at least i dont get people asking me if i've cut my hair, or styled it in a different way, if i'm still using the same perfume, or if i've done my eyebrows, when all i want to, is so keep my mouth shut, and do my things. recently, i really have this huge tendency to just stay quiet for the whole day, and sometimes i really do, since i'm not often accompanied by anyone. i wonder why didn that happen to me earlier, at least i wouldnt get myself into so much crap. and i wont need to give anyone crap either.

i truely understand the meaning of, when you love, is also when you hate. no no, please dont think i hate anyone. there isnt any point in doing that, and there's nothing or no one to shift any blame to. hating is so tiring. it is as tiring and ignoring and trying hard to be oblivious about alot of things. but what's most tiring, is trying to stop your heart from aching and your tears from flowing. and i realised that when i avoid someone, is not that person as a whole, but i avoid the eye contact. cause secretly, i'm really afraid i wouldnt be able to handle the pain, to realise that there is nothing left but coldness and blankness.

after a week's attempt of composing myself, i realised how quickly my anger for you can just fade away. i swear i would start fuming everytime i think of how badly you handled the situation, cause you dont practise what you preach. you're doing the exact same thing as what she did to me. i still could picture you giving me a piece of your mind on how i should just fuck it and move on cause of the way she's treating me. and everytime i do that, i just start fuming even more. i really wonder why. but i suppose, i no longer feel that way. it just doesnt get my head and heart worked up anymore. at least not as badly as it did. i think i can say that i'm really cool with it.

and i asked myself what she asked/mentioned/talked about the other day, that if you give up on us and ever want to come back to it again (for whatever reason). the first thing that came to my mind was, that that would take a million years, cause you're just too prideful to do that. its okay, so am i. probably thats our flaw, something we cannot put behinde us. at least not for each other. i'm not sure how much pride have put aside for us, but i'm pretty sure i've tried as much as i could to do so. sometimes, it makes me feel really lousy about that. i would, with open arms, welcome you back, cause i wont remember the things you've done to me, but i'll only remember the things you've done for me. thats what i think friends are for. not to expect anything out of them, but to appreciate what ever that they do. i've never been so sure about this in my whole life, till now. but then again, how much possiblilty can there be, in that happening?

there are so many things that i want to talk about or share with someone, but i just dont know who to share it with. sometimes i feel that i'm on the verge of bursting, and it makes it even worse that you're not around, cause i really cant just talk to anyone about anything. i thought i found that someone, but i think i've lost her even faster. so i end up talking more often here. though its a one way thing, but some times, i hope, by talking more to this blank space with no emotions and response, i would find my friend, my chatting-partner, my family back. maybe one day, one day, i eventually would. at least just the mere thought of this, would be enough to get me through.

night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of the morning. but steady there now, for i am weak and starving for mercy. sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong. it's all i can do to stop me from falling, into old familiar shoes. unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer. and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places, creating oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone. and deep in my senses i know.

"we should all keep things as simple as possible, but nothing simpler."

and i wouldnt feel so used

baring my soul
at 3:12 AM