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Friday, August 24, 2007

this glorious sadness

i realise, it is when you manage you find your way out of the pool of chores you bury yourself with, in attempts of preventing hallucination, you find everything gushing back to you, all at once. now that you have the time to stop, think and reflect, everything else just seem to flow back, as much as you try to control that. so there are two alternatives. its either you bury yourself with more work, which you probably wouldnt be able to handle, or you can just allow yourself to be swallowed in misery. for the time being, i have yet to think of which alternative to take.

there are many things that i have overlooked in the past, which i now come to feel its importance, and that i should have at least tried to make an effort to hold them tighter. maybe these things are those that i've never thought were important, or that it is the things that had happened which made me realise that perhaps other things are more important. the only consolation, is that the loss of these things have not created such a big impact, that i get thrown off balance. i've lost more than i could ever lose, what else am i afraid of?

there's this common quote that everyone likes to use, and some even make different versions out of it, for different situations. "it starts from a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with tear." or, "even friends end up as strangers." but i think otherwise. i think that when friends stop being friends, they are not even strangers. the only reason you dont acknowledge a stranger, is because of social contricts/"rules" we abide by, or because there isnt a need too. but i believe, in some occasions, we would smile at strangers. you wouldnt deliberately avoid a stranger under normal circumstances, nor will you pretend that the stranger doesnt even exist, cause in actual fact, he doesnt, in your life. so how can we say, the friends we lose end up as strangers. i think its more tragic than just being strangers. friendship is either like a velocity-time graph or an acceleration-time graph. first it starts off and increases gradually, in a constant gradient, and it finally stablizies, and it just stays the way it is, or increase again. but when things turn sour, it becomes an acceleration-time graph. cause everything that you've been trying so hard to accumulate, just falls straight down to zero. no gradual decrease, just a straight shot down like that. it falls so hard, you wouldnt even know whether to react in pain and agony, or to not react at all. pardon me if this analogy is incorrect, i am indeed not physic-ally inclined.

i was just wrecking my brains on what to treat the girls, and all of a sudden, my mind drifted to what i should treat you. should we have mamite chicken, egg plant, bean sprouts and three-layered coffee in hawkers following by bubbletea at easyway, or should we have dim-sum at the place near good fortune, then we can finally get our egg tarts and soy-milk. maybe i should get you the green bugs bunny junk-food tee i saw the other day, which i caught myself smiling to, even though i didn know what made me do that. but when i snapped out of it, i realise that all these would never happen even if i wanted them to. and i dont want them to, cause it wouldnt make any difference to anything now. and thinking of this just makes me tear up inside, in a way even i, cant explain. so i would suppose, i will never expect you to get it either. cause sometimes, you just dont get it. you just dont.

spend all your time waiting, for that second chance, for a break that will make it okay. theres always one reason, to feel not good enough, and its hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction, beautiful release, memory seep through my veins. let me be empty, and weightless and maybe i'll find some peace tonight.


that brings me to my knees

baring my soul
at 2:36 AM