ABOUT ME

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

the places we dont reach

i've been pretty out of sorts these few days. everything is just rush rush rush, and at the end of the day, when i lie down in bed, i just crash. trust me when i say crash, you have no idea how fast i get knocked out. for the first time in so so long since i actually felt sleepy during lectures and i ended up drifting off to elsewhere. maybe it was the change of lecturer, but i try not to blame external factors. i think i've met my highest point of fatigue and yet i still dont know where my threshold is. maybe i've already reach the limit just that i refuse to admit it. i dont want to think of situations where i could get busier and i end up telling myself that i can no longer take it and i just want to pack up and go home. nothing beats the comfort at home, but it doesnt make you stronger. i keep telling dad and mum that i'm fine and doing good, but actually know i that perhaps i'm not THAT good afterall. someone i consider close to heart once said, "fatty, you're strong" and i actually thought that she was being sarcastic. but when she said that she meant it, at that moment, i felt so touched and my morale was boosted to the maximum. but sometimes, i might not be as strong as people think i am. i might not even be as strong as i think i am. i tend to over estimate my strength, i try to attain the impossible. i wonder why i do that some times.

"why do you have to work so hard?" good question! i wonder why too. but then of course, i'll tell you that its not that hard, i still can take it. can i really do that? i dont really know. i find myself lost for words when i question myself about the decisions i make recently.

i sat down the other day, and tried to recall a certain event that had happen relatively recent. i was shocked that i wasnt able to recall exact information, and it is not me to not be able to do so. i usually remember such nitty-witty details, but i couldnt then. then i realise, i've been trying to remember to not make certain mistakes during work, and apart from that, i'll be trying to figure how to answer an assignment question that i've been stuck at for the longest time. "the cheese was rancid", does it have a bound. is it durative? did a change happen? what situation type does this belong to? stupid questions we have to answer in uni, and you get marked down if you're wrong. and the rest of the bulk that i rehearse in my working memory is to remember what classes i have to go for, and to remind my manager that she under paid me for this week, and to remind her that i cant work on God's Kitchen weekend. the things i have to remember gets piled up, and the things i usually remember just depletes accordingly. is this a part of growing up or a part of life as well?

i just read this off someone's blog, "the world seems to be blissfully in love. when is it going to be my turn?" such a nostalgic feeling. such a familiar question, something i used to ask myself. something that i can no longer find an answer to. though i know he wouldnt be able to see this, i just want to tell you that as much as you like this fact, i know who you're referring to, and you really deserve so much better. she will tell you the same thing, but she'll never mean it from the bottom of her heart, cause she has never loved you the way you loved her. get over it boy, some people are not worth a shit, dont bother. sad but true, easier said than done. but time will wash that away.

reviewing my hour long conversation over the intercom system, i still feel that some people are just not worth the effort. they take whatever you've done for them for granted. they think what you do is an obligation and that its something you ought to do, even though they dont explicitly think so. with that, you dont worth a thing to them, you're just there cause you happen to be so. these people are disappointments. so much for me having that half-fucked attitude. i know i dont usually show that i care, but i think i've showed you enough. more than enough in fact. but whatever the case is, it is never going to happen again, and mark my word for it. you have no idea how happy i am to have you out of my life. not technically so, but at least you dont take up much of my life as you used to. others deserve that space more than you do, and they will have exactly that. and maybe psychologists may end up drowning in their own problems. how ironic can that be? we can answer the problems of anyone in the world, but our problems will never be solved. maybe this is the reason why i'm most suited to be in this field. i never found a way to solve mine, no matter how much try to convince myself, or how much help i get.

iga again tomorrow, sigh or brace up?


my love is like footsteps in the snow


we call them miles away

baring my soul
at 3:08 AM