ABOUT ME

Friday, January 18, 2008

one might give

how weird does it feel to not feel anything at all? at this moment in time, this, is exactly how i'm feeling. nothing at all. it makes me wonder if it is really empty within me, or that there's too much to feel, i dont know which to settle for.

as i read a friend's blog entry about the novel "lovely bones", brought back a lot of memories. the time when i read that novel, and the feelings i had after reading it. what hit me the most, wasnt her description of the novel, but what she wrote after that, about the personalised heaven her friends would have. her idea of mine was

D: Her

a very simple one-word description of my heaven. bewildered, i went to ask her about it, and her reply was

H: i think that one word will make your heaven what?

hearing this cuts through my heart, not because i felt that being a good friend she has failed to understand me, and think that i'd be so shallow as to feel that way. but it was because it is the bare truth that even my good friend can see through it all. that i am in fact that shallow. and it reminds me that i will never have a perfect heaven, cause without you there is no heaven.

but life is not all that sad and brutal. God is fair, like my mom always says. He gave me a wonderful life, family and friends, not to have to worry about having not enough food or no shelter above my head, good grades, and a strong will to prove my worth. you in exchange for all these. right now, i cant tell if its worth it. life will be exactly the way you want it to be, if you think it is.

there's nothing more that i want, than to stand outside you door and listen to you breathing

where the other wont bend

baring my soul
at 2:31 AM