sweet addiktions (:

like a flower

2008-02-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

like a flower

has your heart been taken away, the very first time you saw her smile. the smile that just keeps you wanting for more. that smile that you know you'd probably never ever see again, yet you'd do anything to get a step closer to it. like what most people say, falling in love with someone at first sight, the infamous tagline "you had me at hello".

i personally do not believe in such superficial incidents, yet i'm envious of those who actually made it happen. how can someone fall in love with another just at once glance? it is so amazing, yet so unbelievable.

it is times like this where i feel that i need something more than just what i have now, but i'm too afraid to want for more. what does it mount up to when you have the desire, but no courage to acquire? then you fall back into the comfort zone which you have been seeking solace in, you just dont want to move. i truly believe this is the reason why i've been procrastinating so much. finding all sorts of reasons to think that being alone is the best option for me. who can take another setback?

so all i can do now, is to brave 21 the way i had for 18, 19 and 20, to fight this urge of wanting to abandon the familiarity of being alone. cause only you wouldnt hurt yourself, will you?

building life on stones and pebbles

soaking in the rain

2008-02-07T01:49:00.000+08:00

not that 21 is such a big thing, but

Happy Birthday you fool.

when it comes round to you

2008-01-28T01:37:00.000+08:00

when it comes round to you

lies are things that can save the day, and they can ruin lives. despite this knowledge, we still cant save ourselves from this conviction. we still tell lies. whether or not it is with intention to help others, or to save our sorry asses. like i've once said, at the end of the day, the ones who get hurt the most, by the truth that we've been trying to hide, is none other than ourselves. so why put ourselves through all that? one simple lie and cause the lives of others, but yet this same lie can make people's day. when is it the correct time to lie, and when isnt? i dont really know. sometimes, i really wish i did.

but yet it is so damn true, that truth begins with lies. lies brings out the truth in the clearest light, and also because of lies, we truly understand the importance of truth, and treasure it even more. cause truth, never comes easily.

i feel that people lie cause they cant handle the truth. but in that split second, we fail to consider the fact that the consequences of the lies we've created are even harder to handle. what is broken, is broken. you can never patch it back. the things we've said cant be un-said. once you're a liar, you'd always be one.

do you find that the hardest thing to accept, isnt that someone has left you for another. it isnt the cheating or the fights that are hard to swallow. but it is when things are left hanging loose, when you are being hung loose on the string, is when you feel that you've been trashed. down right trashed. that form of silence is ironically deafening. you'd rather have all the negative things thrown in your face, whether or not it is shameful, hurting or pride drowning. at least it is the truth, and nothing but the truth. it is an answer, it is a route out. it is also, most importantly, a reason to let go.

and it is times like this, when i wish for nothing, but to get out of this place immediately. the longer away from this place, the better. even at the expense of my family and friends. i want to run away, just like a bloody coward. but at least it keeps me away from trouble, and it makes me feel alive and worthy of every second that i breathe.

if you land on your feet, i hope you'd fine a way to make it back to me

it goes round and leaves you

one might give

2008-01-18T02:31:00.000+08:00

one might give

how weird does it feel to not feel anything at all? at this moment in time, this, is exactly how i'm feeling. nothing at all. it makes me wonder if it is really empty within me, or that there's too much to feel, i dont know which to settle for.

as i read a friend's blog entry about the novel "lovely bones", brought back a lot of memories. the time when i read that novel, and the feelings i had after reading it. what hit me the most, wasnt her description of the novel, but what she wrote after that, about the personalised heaven her friends would have. her idea of mine was

D: Her

a very simple one-word description of my heaven. bewildered, i went to ask her about it, and her reply was

H: i think that one word will make your heaven what?

hearing this cuts through my heart, not because i felt that being a good friend she has failed to understand me, and think that i'd be so shallow as to feel that way. but it was because it is the bare truth that even my good friend can see through it all. that i am in fact that shallow. and it reminds me that i will never have a perfect heaven, cause without you there is no heaven.

but life is not all that sad and brutal. God is fair, like my mom always says. He gave me a wonderful life, family and friends, not to have to worry about having not enough food or no shelter above my head, good grades, and a strong will to prove my worth. you in exchange for all these. right now, i cant tell if its worth it. life will be exactly the way you want it to be, if you think it is.

there's nothing more that i want, than to stand outside you door and listen to you breathing

where the other wont bend

i want you to notice

2008-01-14T04:24:00.000+08:00

i want you to notice

do you often get the urge to want to go back to the place you never thought you belonged in? that weird sense of belonging seems to be luring me. perhaps that is the place where i have a reason to feel lonely. it gives me a reason to cry. but who ever said that we need reasons to cry? if we dont need any, then why am i trying so hard to hide those tears? and after those tears and courage, where does all the effort go to?

we are the the sole victims of our hypocrisies and lies. cause i always feel that if you hurt people with the truth that you've tried to hide, you'll end up hurting yourself even harder. why do we have to try so hard just to behave in a way that we ourselves dont approve of? that we have to cover our true selves just to fit in. if the world cannot contain people who are different, why should we even be given a chance to exist?

a friend told me not too long ago, that Aquarians do not mind being alone. in fact, they like that. not that i think its bull-shit, but i wonder to myself, being a true-blue Aquarian, how true is that? i suppose we all have to admit that no one wants to be alone. but the difference is, how many people actually go about attempting to shun any chance of being alone? i believe it is the people who constantly fill their lives with an endless list of people, who are the loneliest ones alive. and its when they realize how terrible it feels to stand in the crowd but yet still feel so alone, they fall. then accept that they were meant to be alone. thats where they stop trying so hard, they do nothing about it all together.

tonight, is a night where i feel like being true to myself at least, that life isnt so perfect after all. cause if i'm cursed to make the same mistake time and time again, i will never be right about. and for the very fact that i'm not suited to handle matters related to interpersonal relationships, i think i should not try at all. i truly deserve to be alone. and i'm fine with it. i dont have a choice, do i?

i stand in the crowd alone, hoping that one day, i'll see you in the midst of people.

through the narrow door, i break into a run

when i'm not around

its a beautiful day

2008-01-11T15:46:00.000+08:00

its a beautiful day

there is a strong surge of disappointment within me, that presses me to type this entry. yet this exact same feeling has left me loss for words. i wonder to myself, how can two people who have once shared the same bed, with one feeling the breath of the other down her neck, those fingers which once wrapped around each other, now can no longer look each other into the eye. its worse than being strangers. cause even strangers wont feign pretense, they just dont know of each other's presence. so now, can i wish for that too? that we have never met. but would it make me feel any better. maybe acknowledgment at this point in time would bring about an extremely awkward situation, but why would it still matter that much?

when three people are caught in frenzy, someone would just have to leave so that things wouldnt get out of hand. i'm not trying to be magnanimous, i'm not that self-less. but its only logical to. what would i get out of being persistent? the agony of three people? sometimes i wonder what i get myself into. cause at the end of the day, even if i'm able to walk out of this chivalrously, i would still be the one that has caused all the drama to the other party's friends. and to my own friends, i would be once again living up to my entitlement of being frivolous.

i get very random thought these days. thanks to Rihanna's "together we'll mend your broken heart" got me thinking real hard for the night. if a heart could really be mend, then why do we loose them? doesnt really make a lot of sense, does it? and if we could really mend a heart, i wouldnt mind mending it over and over again, till the stitches overlap, cause it beats not having one.

note to self: never ever get into other people's shit. be the one who causes it instead. at least you can walk away unharmed.

if i could tell you, for one last time, that you still mean the world to me

down the back alley, we save all we can for tomorrow

in this city of shining lights

only if you knew

2008-01-04T15:44:00.000+08:00

only if you knew

we always try to make ourselves feel a little happier each day, till it comes to a point in time, we just get so tired of trying. who the hell are we trying to kid? just because we dont have the guts to face up to the fact that we are the most pathetic souls alive. or is it that we dont believe that such predicament will befall on us when people around us are bliss? why do such things always fall on us? what have we done to deserve such things? then we lose sight of those who really care for us, and we think that it is only a facade. cause truly, we are the only ones who can make ourselves smile from within, for the very fact that we are the ones who make ourselves cry.

i shall dedicate this entry to you, since i know, you're someone that i will never cross paths with. never again. that wasnt fate, it was just a coincidence. despite that, i still thank you for everything that you've done, and never intended to. life was brought to another level because of your presence. a very short-lived 3 week presence, but an impact for a lifetime.

it was initially enticing, but eventually dreading. the fault doesnt lie in anyone cause there was no fault to even begin with. nobody paid attention to the things going around us, we just take it for granted. we let the very thing that holds people together, just slip us by. life is in our hands, we either make it, or break it. and i think i, with my own bare hands, broke it. mishandled, mistreated, shameless, silence, shelving, selfish. all in the name of seeking for happiness. if you cant find it off this person, jump onto the next. girls are like monkeys, before they find a firmer branch, they cling onto another first. very logical, very practical.

we love, we live. we take then we give. sometimes we find ourselves giving more than taking. hardly the other way around. that is why we always feel that we can never give enough, cause it just isnt enough. not enough to hold onto the ones we love. you couldnt, so did i. we both are at the same terminal, just waiting to hop onto different planes. that was why we missed each other, we just walk straight pass each other. we are not each other's destination. i am always someone else's interchange. someone comes in and seek shelter, and when their bus comes, they board it, then leave without looking back. where do i go from there? i go no where, cause i'm always around. the buses, the people leave, but the interchange stays for good.

you have a lot ahead of you in life. just that you have yet to realise it, and you have not considered it. so i hope, one day, you'll make it. you will have the life you want, and i dont have to be the one who buys you the house you want to live in, but i'll still be the one who listens.

i'm neither intriguing nor special. i'm probably just a little different from the people you know. but then again, how different can i be? i'm only human, am i? just like you do, we all hope for a better tomorrow, where the sun will always shine for us. so remember, you will never know how much the sun needs you. what you feel is what you are, and what you are, is beautiful.

dance dance in the morning light, open your darkened eyes. hey hey its a beautiful day, will be okay, it will be okay. take a look, spin around, this is where i find you, where the roses bloom. leave your cares, leave your fears, leave them all behind you. its a beautiful day in a city of shining lights. its a beautiful day, this is where i find you. in your midnight eyes, i see a summer sunrise

your life is an astonishing maze

just how much the sun needs you

i'm falling under your spell

2008-01-02T15:36:00.000+08:00

i'm falling under your spell

when we slowly lose ourselves, we feel the sudden burst of freedom first, before every thing just comes crashing in. its that irony of experience which entices people, that draws people to come to a point where they want to constantly experience this kind of feeling- you get brought up to the highest point, and then being let down. but when the fall comes to a halt, what will happen from there? you either stand up on your two feet and get going, or you'll remain lying on the ground for a very long time.

i believe its when you've fought so hard to make something work out again, you will have to fight even harder to let everything come to an end. thats exactly how it is now, me, fighting even harder than i had, just to come to terms with it, and myself. this is where i truly realised how i've been lying to others, including myself. self-deception can come into place so easily and we can get so comfortable with it, we lose control of what is real and what isnt, we lose control of ourselves.

i think that it was because i loved you, that was why i couldnt let you go, together with everything that we had and never did. but now, i love you even more, to understand that letting you go is the best of all choices that i have ever made. not because i had enough of being alone, but i only want and hope the best for you. and if its not going to be me, i hope someone else can do a better job. so now, i will only love you as a good friend, and i will love you enough, to still want to hold the world up for you. now, and always.

tonight, we soak in the love that we never had. get drunk, and wake up to a better tomorrow.

angels came crashing in

cant seem to slow down

2007-12-29T02:30:00.000+08:00

this howling storm

we always tell ourselves that we think we know. but do we really know? we think that we can leave things till later to deal with, but by the time we get to it, it is already beyond redemption. we dont lose the things we fight hard to keep, we just lose those we really want to have.

i find it so ridiculous, the way i let things be swept under the carpet, and not do anything about it. it is becoming to the extend, that i feel like i've been swept under the carpet. this whole game of secrecy was indeed enticing, but its getting pretty weary now. i never wanted to be someone special, nor did i ask to be someone in between. i just wanted to be who i am and do what i think i do best. but it is getting very tiring. i dont want to feel as if i'm being sucked off every single right i deserve and most of all, i am not trash. i dont come and go as people like, i do that when i feel like it. that, is the right i deserve, the right to be myself.

at the end of the day, you didnt run to her, you came to me. but what was i left with after you took off?

if you could take it back a step, all over again

crashing into me

even though you're gone

2007-12-29T02:20:00.000+08:00

even though you're gone

i think i should talk about this, before i lose the courage to ever bring it up again. though now, i'm sitting here, supposedly calm, i still find myself fighting back tears and trying not to think of the past. now, it is a totally different feeling all together. i no longer have to pray and hope that you'd continue remembering me, but its that i hope for your return one day. even if its just in my dreams, i wished you'd talk to me, you'd call me the way no one else can ever imitate. i think of all the things i want to say to you, all the things that i should have done, just makes me crumble inside. all i do now, is pray for the very best for you, and to carry on with what i've promised you to. the only thing that i'm glad about, is that you no longer need to fight the pain, you no longer have to worry. now its time to let me do the worrying for you. now that you're gone, i'll only be stronger, and i will always keep you in my heart, in the past, now, always.

rest in peace, i love you always, granny.

you still mean the world to me

i know this silence

2007-10-21T03:23:00.000+08:00

i know this silence

trance songs dont only make you high. surprisingly, it makes me mello. i was told that thats what slow trance do to you. its amazing how you can have lets-roc-this-party-down kind of music, and i-think-i-need-something-to-calm-me-down types. anyhow, i love both. trance blows my mind away. and now, cause you know cant stop playing on my play list. i just dont know how to stop it.

we love but we leave. it doesnt seem to go very well together, these two words. but the sad thing is, thats the way things are for me. i will leave what i love, i will leave those i adore. maybe i should say i used to adore. it'll be more apt that way. i've sat down to ponder about it, and i've decided who i should never lose and who i just shouldnt give a fuck about. i love my parents, my brother and i love my favourite pair.

i think i should dedicate this to my best friend. i dont know how to describe how i feel towards you. i think i can love you with all my heart, without even considering if i am ever going to lose it. i've lost it before, but it doesnt stop me, not at all. you have no idea how much i treasure things now, things between us. undoubtly, i miss the days where you, gen and i had so much fun in this prison. you guys made life less tragic, so much more life to it. the sudden urge to get bubble-tea. the crazy study for one hour and the next two hours filled with "educational" talks. sometimes, a hug from you can make everything stressful and sad go away. no you're not my girlfriend. no you're not the one i desire to have as a partner. you're so much more than that. you and chloe make up so much of my life now, it makes me not want to go home for the summer. thank you for making me realise your importance in the hard way. i'm not bearing a grudge, cause there is nothing for me to hold against you. i believe no matter how much people, or you yourself say that you're practical and you'll only do things to benefit yourself, i think you mean well for me. i love you, best friend.

2 weeks more. 2 weeks more before everything this semester will come to an end. maybe its the time for major self-reflection. maybe its time for more changes. but maybe things will just stay the way it is now. thats the best choice, in my view. for the better, not the worse, i hope everyone around or not, well. its time to thank those who have played a big part in my one and a half years of uni life, whether or not i mean a thing to these people anymore. i'm thankful for their existence, and for everything that they have and have not done. i will still be around.

i'm ready to brace the probable worst time of my semester. but following the quote that i've chose to stick to this semester, "this time round, nothing can bring me down". only you control your fate, and God only helps those you help themselves. so the first thing everyone should do, is to know thyself. do i already know that?

should i wait for you mercy

i've been blinded by your door

we might as well be strangers

2007-10-12T01:51:00.000+08:00

we might as well be strangers

i havent been into this site long enough to miss its url as i was scanning for it. not that it particularly means anything, maybe i'm just trying to emphasize how much i've been robbed of free time. these days, the bulk i spend typing on are reports, essays or msn (discussing how to answer assignment questions). its so rusty, i dont seem to be able to let such words flow out of my fingers anymore.

i cant quite say whether i'm for changes or not. for the good or the bad, as long as its a change, its bad to me. i hate this word, as much as i hate the way people have a change of hearts. we only live to have one heart, how can it change so many times? with that, what happens to those that have their hearts locked to just that one person? can a heart ever die?

its this time of the semester that many, including me, start to get extremely uptight and mello. i cant really explain why, in general, but i supposed its that the workload is getting heavier and the stress of exams are starting to kick in. this makes everyone feel like going home. but home is just so damn far away. i dont even feel that familiar feeling anymore. i wonder if its the effect of prolonged departure from home. but still, i want to go home.

after a 2 hour long conversation over the phone, it got me thinking about alot of things that i thought that i could conveniently put behind me for now. i suppose there's always a reason for these things to surface. i hope that it isnt in attempt to add more pressure to me, cause i'm currently immersed in a pressure cooker, i dont need more of that. all the talk of shrunk ego, loneliness, stress, hate of changes and home-sickness just make me feel even smaller than i already do (no pun intended on my size).

why is it so surprising when i say i need a life? i really do now. i'm not as happening as i seem during the holidays, as when i am during the school semester. my life during the semester pretty much revolves around hall, uni and iga. how exciting does that sound? so dont think i dont have my down days, i really do. i dont know if i hide it well, but i never had the intentions to. maybe only from my parents, in attempts to be a filial child, which i assume i've been doing a pretty decent job.

we never really considered the fact that one day, the world will stop revolving around ourselves, as much as we try to insist that we are not at all self-centered. if we only learn how to see from another person's point view and not jump into conclusions, ranting our lives out about how unfair we've been treated. unlike children, we do this by choice. so it seems that we arent very much distinguishable from children, are we?

if only live could be more peaceful than it is now, the world would be a better place to live in.

i remember everything you want me to forget

living in another world

the places we dont reach

2007-09-19T03:08:00.000+08:00

the places we dont reach

i've been pretty out of sorts these few days. everything is just rush rush rush, and at the end of the day, when i lie down in bed, i just crash. trust me when i say crash, you have no idea how fast i get knocked out. for the first time in so so long since i actually felt sleepy during lectures and i ended up drifting off to elsewhere. maybe it was the change of lecturer, but i try not to blame external factors. i think i've met my highest point of fatigue and yet i still dont know where my threshold is. maybe i've already reach the limit just that i refuse to admit it. i dont want to think of situations where i could get busier and i end up telling myself that i can no longer take it and i just want to pack up and go home. nothing beats the comfort at home, but it doesnt make you stronger. i keep telling dad and mum that i'm fine and doing good, but actually know i that perhaps i'm not THAT good afterall. someone i consider close to heart once said, "fatty, you're strong" and i actually thought that she was being sarcastic. but when she said that she meant it, at that moment, i felt so touched and my morale was boosted to the maximum. but sometimes, i might not be as strong as people think i am. i might not even be as strong as i think i am. i tend to over estimate my strength, i try to attain the impossible. i wonder why i do that some times.

"why do you have to work so hard?" good question! i wonder why too. but then of course, i'll tell you that its not that hard, i still can take it. can i really do that? i dont really know. i find myself lost for words when i question myself about the decisions i make recently.

i sat down the other day, and tried to recall a certain event that had happen relatively recent. i was shocked that i wasnt able to recall exact information, and it is not me to not be able to do so. i usually remember such nitty-witty details, but i couldnt then. then i realise, i've been trying to remember to not make certain mistakes during work, and apart from that, i'll be trying to figure how to answer an assignment question that i've been stuck at for the longest time. "the cheese was rancid", does it have a bound. is it durative? did a change happen? what situation type does this belong to? stupid questions we have to answer in uni, and you get marked down if you're wrong. and the rest of the bulk that i rehearse in my working memory is to remember what classes i have to go for, and to remind my manager that she under paid me for this week, and to remind her that i cant work on God's Kitchen weekend. the things i have to remember gets piled up, and the things i usually remember just depletes accordingly. is this a part of growing up or a part of life as well?

i just read this off someone's blog, "the world seems to be blissfully in love. when is it going to be my turn?" such a nostalgic feeling. such a familiar question, something i used to ask myself. something that i can no longer find an answer to. though i know he wouldnt be able to see this, i just want to tell you that as much as you like this fact, i know who you're referring to, and you really deserve so much better. she will tell you the same thing, but she'll never mean it from the bottom of her heart, cause she has never loved you the way you loved her. get over it boy, some people are not worth a shit, dont bother. sad but true, easier said than done. but time will wash that away.

reviewing my hour long conversation over the intercom system, i still feel that some people are just not worth the effort. they take whatever you've done for them for granted. they think what you do is an obligation and that its something you ought to do, even though they dont explicitly think so. with that, you dont worth a thing to them, you're just there cause you happen to be so. these people are disappointments. so much for me having that half-fucked attitude. i know i dont usually show that i care, but i think i've showed you enough. more than enough in fact. but whatever the case is, it is never going to happen again, and mark my word for it. you have no idea how happy i am to have you out of my life. not technically so, but at least you dont take up much of my life as you used to. others deserve that space more than you do, and they will have exactly that. and maybe psychologists may end up drowning in their own problems. how ironic can that be? we can answer the problems of anyone in the world, but our problems will never be solved. maybe this is the reason why i'm most suited to be in this field. i never found a way to solve mine, no matter how much try to convince myself, or how much help i get.

iga again tomorrow, sigh or brace up?

my love is like footsteps in the snow

we call them miles away

instead of kneeling in the sand

2007-09-15T03:05:00.000+08:00

instead of kneeling in the sand

nights like this, i feel so lonely, i get out of bed, come right here and try to make myself feel better. i was just thinking to myself, that i'm going to turn 21 pretty soon. its not that soon, but really, it just comes like that. then i drifted off to how things would be like in the future, and it just stops there. i cant seem to go on dreaming about the future, cause honestly, there's nothing to dream of anymore. i'm not attempting to sound nostalgic here, but its just a cold, hard fact i cant change. it all ended then and there, it just took me a long while to realise that. and i mean a really long while. sometimes i just wonder why, and i wonder what really went wrong. was it you or was it me, or are we both innocent. i dont know, you tell me.

it has really been a year, a long year. i remember ranting on how upset i felt while getting daddy's birthday present, and how it made me feel so far away from home. this year, this time, i did the birthday present shopping once again. its amazing how time flies. its as if i didnt already know that for a fact. the only thing that hasnt change, is that i still feel so far away from home. but this time round, definitely one thing has changed. you're no longer that far away from me, cause you're no longer there anymore. you've gone so far away, it seems as if you've disappeared into thin air, disappeared out of my life totally. i dont know whether to be happy about that, or continue being sore about it. sometimes, i'd rather not know.

i havent been here for quite awhile. havent been consistent at all. cause i suppose there's nothing much to talk about, life seems to go on anyhow, whether you like the way it is or not, whether you realise you've not done things you're supposed to or not, it just doesnt wait. just like how time never waited for me, and four years just swept pass like that. four years of nothing, doesnt make it seem any way magnanimous. and i'd rather not be so.

but its okay, it isnt wrong to be alone. it isnt pathetic to have nothing to look forward to and think about. who am i trying to kid?

i'm finally getting alittle tired. maybe i should catch the wave of fatigue before i miss it again.

my heart drenched in wine
but you're on my mind

catchin tear drops with my hand

constantly bailing out water

2007-08-26T03:37:00.000+08:00

constantly bailing out water

i really wonder what am i doing here, when there's a bloody pregnancy report to do, and i'm close to tears cause of fatigue. there's that nagging conscience to get my 4 assignments done as soon as possible, but everytime i stare at the close to blank Microsoft Word, i divert my attention else where. not very disciplined huh? i wonder where it all went? did it go together with the time you detached yourself from my world, and it all seem to start crashing down? or did it just unknowingly slip away? i cant quite seem to find that drive and urge back, the one i had back in my early teens, the one that even you were proud at astound by. which was probably why you thought that nothing would ever affect me much or nothing could ever bring me down. you were so wrong. but so was i.

sometimes, recently of course, i really wonder why i make myself work so hard. these days i hardly have the energy to think more than what i need to, cause once i plop myself on the bed, i just get knocked unconscious. i dont even have to count all those mr sheeps anymore. the spare time i get, i.e. in the showers, i think of things that i have to do but have not touched- assignments, tutorials, etc. the only time i let myself "rest", is listening to Sarah Mclachlan. dont ask me why her, and not JT or Nelly Furtardo. she gets right down to the bottom of my sinking and non-existent heart in a queer way, one that i cant seem to put my finger to. and i found that i get so tired, not just physcially and mentally, but tired of live in general, that i sit on the floor while showering, and rest chin, cupped on my knee. i know it sounds odd and scary, but i find myself staring at how the water splashes on the ground, and how they flow down my fingers. and i realise that when i stand up, my vision of whatever i've been paying attention to just change without my realising it. maybe sometimes it is good to take a closer look at things and there are times where you should take a step back, well, in this case, take a step up, and see things. you'd probably be as surprised as i was with what you see.

tonight, despite being tired to the bones, i weep for the loss of a best friend, a family, i weep of the loss of the very thing i have wanted most but which i've allowed it to slip through my fingers under my bare vision. i weep for the painful truth i have to learn to accept. but i'm not at all on the verge to give up on anything else, life in particular. and tonight, i've come to find that i still love you, and you.

we all begin with good intend, when love was raw and young. we believe that we could change ourselves, the past can be undone. but we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals. in the lonely light of morning, the wound that would not heal. its the bitter taste of losing everything that i have held so dear. though i've tried, i've fallen. i have sunk so low, i have messed up. better i should know, so dont come around here and tell me i told you so.

but still feel like i'm going to sink

this glorious sadness

2007-08-24T02:36:00.000+08:00

this glorious sadness

i realise, it is when you manage you find your way out of the pool of chores you bury yourself with, in attempts of preventing hallucination, you find everything gushing back to you, all at once. now that you have the time to stop, think and reflect, everything else just seem to flow back, as much as you try to control that. so there are two alternatives. its either you bury yourself with more work, which you probably wouldnt be able to handle, or you can just allow yourself to be swallowed in misery. for the time being, i have yet to think of which alternative to take.

there are many things that i have overlooked in the past, which i now come to feel its importance, and that i should have at least tried to make an effort to hold them tighter. maybe these things are those that i've never thought were important, or that it is the things that had happened which made me realise that perhaps other things are more important. the only consolation, is that the loss of these things have not created such a big impact, that i get thrown off balance. i've lost more than i could ever lose, what else am i afraid of?

there's this common quote that everyone likes to use, and some even make different versions out of it, for different situations. "it starts from a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with tear." or, "even friends end up as strangers." but i think otherwise. i think that when friends stop being friends, they are not even strangers. the only reason you dont acknowledge a stranger, is because of social contricts/"rules" we abide by, or because there isnt a need too. but i believe, in some occasions, we would smile at strangers. you wouldnt deliberately avoid a stranger under normal circumstances, nor will you pretend that the stranger doesnt even exist, cause in actual fact, he doesnt, in your life. so how can we say, the friends we lose end up as strangers. i think its more tragic than just being strangers. friendship is either like a velocity-time graph or an acceleration-time graph. first it starts off and increases gradually, in a constant gradient, and it finally stablizies, and it just stays the way it is, or increase again. but when things turn sour, it becomes an acceleration-time graph. cause everything that you've been trying so hard to accumulate, just falls straight down to zero. no gradual decrease, just a straight shot down like that. it falls so hard, you wouldnt even know whether to react in pain and agony, or to not react at all. pardon me if this analogy is incorrect, i am indeed not physic-ally inclined.

i was just wrecking my brains on what to treat the girls, and all of a sudden, my mind drifted to what i should treat you. should we have mamite chicken, egg plant, bean sprouts and three-layered coffee in hawkers following by bubbletea at easyway, or should we have dim-sum at the place near good fortune, then we can finally get our egg tarts and soy-milk. maybe i should get you the green bugs bunny junk-food tee i saw the other day, which i caught myself smiling to, even though i didn know what made me do that. but when i snapped out of it, i realise that all these would never happen even if i wanted them to. and i dont want them to, cause it wouldnt make any difference to anything now. and thinking of this just makes me tear up inside, in a way even i, cant explain. so i would suppose, i will never expect you to get it either. cause sometimes, you just dont get it. you just dont.

spend all your time waiting, for that second chance, for a break that will make it okay. theres always one reason, to feel not good enough, and its hard at the end of the day. i need some distraction, beautiful release, memory seep through my veins. let me be empty, and weightless and maybe i'll find some peace tonight.

that brings me to my knees

i'm sure i'm not being rude

2007-08-11T05:22:00.000+08:00

i'm sure i'm not being rude

i have no idea what am i doing, up at such an ungodly hour. as i looked out of the window, i wonder who else is as insane as me. i really wonder. it is not as if i've anything better to do than sleeping, yet i'm not going to bed, for god knows what reason.

sometimes, i find it so amusing, how certain things can take control of someone's life, making you go round and round in circles, and end up still stuck at the same spot. i've once again stumbled onto something which really gets me thinking, how ridiculous some people can really get. how can someone be so sure and so unsure about the same thing at the same time. it doesnt make sense, does it? it is exactly the way this person feels. its so impossible. i wonder how can love actually take the toll of someone. how can it drive people to do things so out of control, so unbelievable. and yet you gain and lose this love so quickly. if something that has such a short lifespan, can we still consider it true? something that can never last, be desirable? probably thats why we all make mistakes.

there are so much more to live than love. thats a perfect piece of speech i presented to my parents, making them feel so proud of having me as a daughter for that moment. i swear, at that split second that i said that, i really meant it from the bottom of my heart. but please, who are we trying to kid? ourselves? or trying to convince others to think likewise? how can we belittle the only thing that holds different individuals so tightly? if i ever really for a longer period of time thought that love was so insignificant in life, i'd probably be better off, at least i allow myself to be convinced so.

i believe that love can exist in that very second in life. its either you get it into you, or you just lose it without even realising it. just like how i believe that our lives are in our own hands, love, too, works this way. but its a tad trickier, cause if you hold it too tight, it breaks free. if you hold it too casually, it slips away without your knowledge. thats why sometimes i wonder, did i hold it too tightly, or have i never really realised how it slipped away.

tonight, the stars will shine for you. maybe it will calm you down, and bring you home.

but its just your attitude

things wouldnt seem so confused

2007-08-10T03:12:00.000+08:00

things wouldnt seem so confused

it really surprises me, how difficult it can be, just trying to differentiate the different emotions that are swimming within you. for a second you would feel as if it was a total rage just ready to burst through your chest, and the next, you thought that you were so miserable, you just feel like bursting into tears. what makes things even more confusing, is that despite having so much to handle, you're actually located in a joyous atmosphere, where everyone is in the mood to celebrate. only the weather really complimented how i felt at that time. at least something, if not someone, is compassionate enough to give me some attention.

dont get me wrong, its not that i really desire any attention. on the other hand, i wish i didn get any attention. at least i dont get people asking me if i've cut my hair, or styled it in a different way, if i'm still using the same perfume, or if i've done my eyebrows, when all i want to, is so keep my mouth shut, and do my things. recently, i really have this huge tendency to just stay quiet for the whole day, and sometimes i really do, since i'm not often accompanied by anyone. i wonder why didn that happen to me earlier, at least i wouldnt get myself into so much crap. and i wont need to give anyone crap either.

i truely understand the meaning of, when you love, is also when you hate. no no, please dont think i hate anyone. there isnt any point in doing that, and there's nothing or no one to shift any blame to. hating is so tiring. it is as tiring and ignoring and trying hard to be oblivious about alot of things. but what's most tiring, is trying to stop your heart from aching and your tears from flowing. and i realised that when i avoid someone, is not that person as a whole, but i avoid the eye contact. cause secretly, i'm really afraid i wouldnt be able to handle the pain, to realise that there is nothing left but coldness and blankness.

after a week's attempt of composing myself, i realised how quickly my anger for you can just fade away. i swear i would start fuming everytime i think of how badly you handled the situation, cause you dont practise what you preach. you're doing the exact same thing as what she did to me. i still could picture you giving me a piece of your mind on how i should just fuck it and move on cause of the way she's treating me. and everytime i do that, i just start fuming even more. i really wonder why. but i suppose, i no longer feel that way. it just doesnt get my head and heart worked up anymore. at least not as badly as it did. i think i can say that i'm really cool with it.

and i asked myself what she asked/mentioned/talked about the other day, that if you give up on us and ever want to come back to it again (for whatever reason). the first thing that came to my mind was, that that would take a million years, cause you're just too prideful to do that. its okay, so am i. probably thats our flaw, something we cannot put behinde us. at least not for each other. i'm not sure how much pride have put aside for us, but i'm pretty sure i've tried as much as i could to do so. sometimes, it makes me feel really lousy about that. i would, with open arms, welcome you back, cause i wont remember the things you've done to me, but i'll only remember the things you've done for me. thats what i think friends are for. not to expect anything out of them, but to appreciate what ever that they do. i've never been so sure about this in my whole life, till now. but then again, how much possiblilty can there be, in that happening?

there are so many things that i want to talk about or share with someone, but i just dont know who to share it with. sometimes i feel that i'm on the verge of bursting, and it makes it even worse that you're not around, cause i really cant just talk to anyone about anything. i thought i found that someone, but i think i've lost her even faster. so i end up talking more often here. though its a one way thing, but some times, i hope, by talking more to this blank space with no emotions and response, i would find my friend, my chatting-partner, my family back. maybe one day, one day, i eventually would. at least just the mere thought of this, would be enough to get me through.

night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of the morning. but steady there now, for i am weak and starving for mercy. sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong. it's all i can do to stop me from falling, into old familiar shoes. unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer. and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places, creating oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone. and deep in my senses i know.

"we should all keep things as simple as possible, but nothing simpler."

and i wouldnt feel so used

its not the wind that cracked your shoulder

2007-08-05T02:56:00.000+08:00

its not the wind that cracked your shoulder

i always liked the idea of 'penning' things down before i put things behind, at least i attempt to. so when i look back at it, i'd know the good things, and of course, the bad. this time, i'm heart broken, so i think i need to tell someone. whoever is out there to hear my heart bleed, whoever who is left, bothered to listen to this very sad tale of mine, one that like others, seem never ending.

i hate the feeling of having things thrown in my face, cause i know i wouldnt be able to handle it on the spot, no matter how much i try to convince myself that i would eventually take it at my own stride. but at least i know, so i wouldnt have to talk myself into thinking otherwise. and of all the things that i hate, i hate the thought of having things thrown in my face by others and not you anymore. the one who has always been trying to correct me, the one who for the first time in my life, bothered to tell me that my i-dont-give-a-fuck-if-people-like-my-attitude attitude isnt going to work. the one who bothers to force things out of me and not taking for granted when i say "i'm fine, really." the one who cares about the slightest thing about me, even about not having enough to spend. the one whom i thought loved me more than anyone could ever love me, the one who taught me to shut my trap when necessary, the one who cooks me meals when i'm immobile, the one who made me feel that i'm never alone, the one who phones me every now and then then to make sure my day's passed fine when i'm missing in action, the one my heart bled for seeing you cry, the one i thought that my world would come to a halt if you left, the one brightens up my day. and you know what's the hardest thing to do? that's to tell myself that you're gone, and you'll never come back into my life ever again. cause i know you wouldnt and even if you did, i'd probably never let you come back again. cause i've loved you so much, i dont think i can ever give my heart out to you the way i did.

i know i havent exactly been perfect. far from that i know, but i always thought that good things will outweigh the bad, exactly the way you told me would. the way i overlooked all the flaws in you, no matter how much it hurt. i let the very thing that you've said which stabbed me right through just brush pass me like the cars that go by everyday. to me, it really didn matter, cause you, and just you alone, mattered more than anything in the world. you were a friend, a very good friend. probably the best, and i ask for nothing else. you were a sister, you were family. but as cruel as it sounds, i think it never mattered to you anyway.

how could you even think that i was belittling you, when you're the one individual that i was the proudest of? how could you think that i was stepping all over you when i respected you even more than anyone that i ever had respected you. how could you accept what people commented about me, just because they just wanted a say in everything, and take it as it is. how could you walk away from me when i needed you most, and when the whole world was crashing down on me. how could you give me the cold shoulder when every second i stood in front of you was filled with remorse and agony. how could you take the letter i've written to you with every single gut i could muster, with all the emotions i could ever give, and take it as trash. how could you expect so much out of me, when i've never wished for you to do anything, but just to be around and to be just the way you are. how could you? i dont get you, and i dont get it!

i dont give a fucking two hoots about what people think of me, cause they really dont know me! i thought you knew me, but apparently, you really dont. i know i'm a hard nut to crack, for the very reason that i keep everything to myself and i dont show it, and i dont expect you to anticipate my every move, but i thought that the least you should know clearly, was how i felt about you and how much i treasure your presence. havent what i've done enough to prove it all? i guess it doesnt.

to be honest, this has been tormenting me for the longest time i would ever allow anything liek that to, that even now, typing this, i'm actually trying to dry my eyes, but i dont see any worth in me putting effort to salvage things. the sad thing about such things happening, is that you lose the most important things in your life, but the good thing is, you really see how and what people around you are, and i know, one day, you'll see that too. then again, maybe not. its just like very good friends, the good thing is that no matter whether they're physically present or not, you know that they are always there. but the bad thing is, when things turn sour, even if the person stands right in front of you, you know that every single love and emotion has been dried up and is stagnant. this, is the feeling you gave me, the day you sat in front of me, with that blankness in your eyes. i know you well enough to say this, and i know you well enough to know how you'd react to this, if you'd ever bother reading this.

for now, i truely wish you luck and happiness. as much as i hope that you'd remain as happy as you are now, let me tell you, one day, if she's going to break your heart the way your worst nightmare pictures, i hope those people around you now are going to be bothered to spend a whole night listening to you rattle on and on. but i can foresee on your behalf, that they would listen and give you that i-really-sympathise-in-you-and-i-feel-your-pain look, but inside, they'd be thinking, "see, i told you so!" the very thing that would be the last thing you ever wanted to hear, the thing that you hate hearing most. not the way that i had, when i saw you sobbing your heart out, and all i could feel, was my heart crying with you.

i thank you for everything, big or little that you've done for me. allowing me to wail into your gold coat, even allowing me to lie in your arms when i was at the lowest point, allowing me to stand up for you when someone tries to get in your way, allowing me to save you from dodgy people at clubs, allowing me to be in your life, and perhaps for once, be a big part of it, if i can even think in that way. thank you for teaching me alittle bit more about life, and how to go about being in one. i've appreciated it, in every inch of my heart, and i still do, cause i dont think anyone will ever bother reaching out to me the way you do, just that i know, like usual, i dont show it. i'm sorry if i ever hurt you, and i'm sorry that i will never be able to give you whatever i had. one of the biggest mistake that i've made, is to not heed your advice, to give what i can and not what i have, to you.

and as of now, nothing else is ever going to bring me down. it the most absurd manner, you've made me even stronger, and of course, much much colder.

hey your glass is empty, its hell of a long way home. why dont you let me take you, its no good to be alone. i never would have opened up, but you seemed so real to me. and after all the bullshit i've heard, its refreshing not to see, that i dont have to pretend, she doesnt expect it from me. so dont tell me i've never been good to you, dont tell me i've never been there for you, and just tell me why, nothing is ever good enough.

and threw you to the ground

a breath between us could be miles

2007-07-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

a breath between us could be miles

as i look through some random stuff, suddenly something hit me really hard on the face. it probably sounds like a norm, but for the first time, it came so clear to me.

some people get through things very quickly, some people get left behind. those who get through things quickly seize every opportunity, but those who are left behind expect things to come to them. those who get through things in a breeze are now, happy and fortunate people, but those who are left behind, and only wrench their hearts out and envy others. i'm not trying to say which is right and which isnt, nor am i suggesting that one is better than the other, cause i think, at the end of the day, it will all mount up to be the same.

to put it in a nicer way, those who are left behind wait for the right opportunity to come. the right target, the right path. if it comes it comes, if it doesnt, thats just too bad. sometimes i wonder, what if it really never comes, what will these people end up with? do you believe that there is always that someone who is destined to be with you? even if this person doesnt feel the same way as you do, even if this person never appears, you will continue waiting. i've personally never tried to disagree with this notion, thats why i'm too, left behind.

i have a smile, stretched from ear to ear, to see you walking down the road. we meet at the lights, i stare for awhile, the world around us disappears. its just you and i in my island of hopes, a breath between us could be miles. let me surround you, a sea to your shore, let me be the calm you seek. but everytime i'm close to you there's too much i cant say, and you just walk away. and i forgot to tell you, i love you. and the night's too long and cold without you here. i greive in my condition, for i cannot find the words to say i need you so.

just tell me which way you like that

let me be the calm you seek

while you're looking up at me

2007-07-27T02:21:00.000+08:00

while you're looking up at me

the stars here give me a very strange yet soothing feeling, something i cant quite describe in precision. they seem so close to you, it is as if you are only a touch away from them. ironically, the closer the stars here are, the further i seem to be from home. star gazing can be so paradoxical, it can bring a smile to my face, yet wrench my heart out at the same time.

this time round, every where around me seems so quiet and mundane. i dont hear the constant laughter from across the asile i thought i would, and there arent sounds of trampling footsteps as if the level is going to topple. such scene really blends in with the dampening weather. it doesnt sound like a very promising start, does it?

i think i'm stuck in a mess i've created. i have no idea why it ended up the way it is now, but it feels as if i've lost a part of my life and it feels as if part of my flesh has been ripped out. but honestly, the feeling inside is worse than that. i dont know how to tell you how important you are to me, and that the last thing i want to have is to lose you. yet, the more i i'm afraid of it, the more i run away from it and of course, the further you seem to be. if its the one thing i'll lose you to, it'll be my fear of losing you. and i think i already did.

i was young and naive, i watched helpless as you turn around to leave, and still i have the pain i have to carry. a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried. after all this time, i never thought we would be here. when my love for you was blind, but i couldnt make you see it. couldnt make you see that i loved you more than you will ever know. and a part of me died when i let you go. i would fall asleep, only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like it was before. but nights like this, it seems, are slowly fleeting. they leave as reality is crashing to the floor.

she might be going home with me tonight

you're like my favourite damn disease

i'm so strung on you

2007-07-20T01:12:00.000+08:00

i'm so strung on you

here i am, once again, back in a place so familiar, it scares me. with my feet out on top of the coffee table, and the laptop on my lap, i try to get the emotions to flow out from my fingers. cause there's so much caught within me, i think i might blow up.

i like to know that people around me are so blissfully in love. but yet when i'm spending those alone-times, there is always a tiny tug in my heart whenever i think about it. cause it only makes me realise that i'm the only one who's left alone. i'm the only one having to deal with everything else but that of having a partner. good choice bad choice, i really didn have any.

you've gotten my hooked up like a drug, and i cant seem to get enough of you. but everything just ends there. our summer is over, everything else wraps up. at least its better than us sinking into too much emotions. sometimes i wonder if it were to be better if i was the one and not someone else. think about it, you could be mine. and from a hundred and a thousand miles, i'm missing you. but the worst thing, is to know that you'll never be mine.

many more ahead for me. heads up, chest out. second year, here i come. this time, nothing else will bring me down.

you've got me wrapped around your finger.

i can barely move

waiting like an iceberg

2007-07-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

waiting like an iceberg

i find myself laughing at my stupidity quite often. so often, it makes me puzzled. i ask myself if i really know what's going on, i find myself stumbling over the answer. my life isnt in a mess, it just doesnt fit in the right way. my mind isnt in a whirl-wind twirl, it just needs to be put into place.

age isnt scary, growing older isnt a curse. that's just because no matter how many times your age increases over a short span of time, life still goes on, so what's with the hoo-haas over 21st birthday parties? isnt 21 the same as 12 and 51? its all the same. it just marks you a step closer to the end of time. how many steps will i ultimately have to take? how interesting is it if you were to know that.

i wonder if i'm the only one feeling this way, or are those who go through what i am and will be going through for the next few years, feel the same way too. its that blank thought and empty feeling, and that mixed feeling of which place should i call home. i cant quite put my finger to it, and making sure which one am i looking forward to being in, cause when i'm in one, i want the other one. am i making sense at all?

as the fire fades away, most of everyday is filled with tired excuses. its too hard to take, i wish it was simple, but we all give up easily. you're close enough to seet that, you're on the other side of the world to me. in a place i neither know, nor feel. you fade away so quickly, i cant remember your face. but my heart still beats and resonant your name. can you please help me, can you let me go. can you love me when you cant see me anymore? can you still feel me when you cant speak of me at all? before the thread tears into shredded pieces, we should all take a step back and a deep breath.

all the muscles tighten on her face

she wants to be like water

it is so easy to see

2007-07-01T01:33:00.000+08:00

it is so easy to see

i've been trying hard to convince myself that many things that have been happening this past month has begin to subside upon my return, but apparantly, it turns out to be otherwise. it really makes me wonder what is it that is wrong.

smoking, drinking, dancing, puking, screaming, sobbing.

i think too many things can happen at once, you would be thrown off your feet. you would be loss for words and for that moment, you would be clueless of what to. that is exactly how i felt last night. when you see your friends starting to break into tiny sobs because of one friend's tears, you will realise how strong the friendship is, and it made me realise how damnit far i'm away from my friends half the time, that not a single tear formed behind my wreached eyes.

as much as i wish that things will just fall into place, in the exact way i want them to, i have to admit, it happens to go the other way round. everything is turning out opposite ways that i've expected them to. and it really puzzles me. i think this roller coaster ride has been for far too long, i need to slow down a little, and put things back into place, to put my heart into place. oh wait, i would need it back first, wouldnt i?

say goodbye to the world you thought you've lived in

the dysfunction between you and me

stumbling on my life

2007-06-17T04:59:00.000+08:00

stumbling on my life

tonight happened to be a very tensed night, the kind of feeling i would never ever want to experience again. i cant quite remember how long ago has it been when days were just so peaceful, its starating to feel painful. i know i'm somehow asking for it, but how do you expect me to just walk away from it? even if someone ever asks me to, i will never be able to bring myself to do that.

you happen to emerge at very queer moments, so subtly, i can never predict. just like many other nights, you once again did tonight. sometimes, i just wonder why. i'm not going to pretend about the way the left me, which left me with no hope, no love and all my pride gone to waste. we've once loved like it is going to be forever, and now, we live the rest of our lives, but not together. this has been the hardest story that i've told, but i'm not going to act as if there is ever going to be a happy ending. tonight, my world felt like it was falling inwards. tonight, i found myself trying hard not to be miserable. tonight, my heart bled for you.

many times, i find myself waging wars with myself about a lot of things. and even after waging these wars, i still wouldnt be able to come up with any conclusions, but only to find myself filled with bruises and scars. is it really that difficult to let go of something? or is it just that we tell ourselves that it is impossible to? there are so many variations of answers to this, i really dont know which to settle for. courage is the strength to let go of the familiar, which is something i've never been able to muster.

an old love gone to waste

trying to find a way out

for the things that we've cry for

2007-06-15T06:15:00.000+08:00

for the things that we've cry for

everytime you feel THIS close to giving up, stop, take a very long and deep breath (not till you stop breathing of course), think about what you've set out to accomplish, clench you fists and carry on. not exactly university tips, just life in general.

the topic of the day: "how can one dumb fucker actually create so much chaos and make everyone so miserable?"
quote of the year: "some people, JUST DONT GET IT!"
sentiment of the year: " sometimes its just better to learn to let go."

i have come to a point, where i feel that nothing else really matters anymore. not that i'm feeling miserable about anything in particular. as annoyingly optimistic i may try to force it to be, it is true. i'm not heartbroken since there isnt any to begin with, probably i'm just sour. i'm not lost, just not bothered to sort things out. i know things have to change and there are a lot of things that i'll ultimately have to face, just like how i wake up every morning thinking how am i ever going to face you. really, sometimes i hope that things will just work out without having to even try. FAT HOPE!

i've been so damn upset these couple of days. not with anyone or anything in particular, but just upset with myself. sometimes i just understand how can i actually be aware of something not able to do anything about it? maybe not being able to do anything about it is just an excuse for not wanting to try harder, but i cant seem to find an answer to why is it so. it gets so upsetting, it spoils my day, including many others' around me, and i would be solemn for the rest of the entire day. why do i have to make things so ugly sometimes. and why do i always say things that i dont mean and end up hurting people close to me? this makes me sound so disgusting i know, cause i am that disgusting. i'm so sorry for what i've done and said, i heart you my bugs bunny.

my watch's alarm just sounded, reminding me that it is 6.27am in the morning. i have a papaer in slightly more than 24 hours later and i'm not even half done with it. this just tells me how screwed up i am most of the time. how sad is that?

i was intending to dedicate a recent post to this particular "event" if you would like to call it. not that i want to imply anything, but i just thought that it would be nice to reminise about it once in a while. it would have been wonderful if we had this joyous occasion to celebrate, but clearly, two years ago, it was never meant to be, that now, it was never meant to work out. thats why now, you are where you are, and i am doing what i'm doing. dont get me wrong, but i really really tried to put everything i had and could into it, that i got so frustrated with you and myself, i lost it. it shouldnt have been this way, but admit it, we both asked for it. not that i would expect you have ever been mourning about it since the day it ended, but it just made me realise, for the every tear that i've shed when everything was still surviving, none of them were ever meant for you. but still, i thank you for everything you've and have not done.

okay, the bloody birds are driving me crazy. i need to sleep before i bite again.

suck real hard on your lollipop, cause love's gonna get you down

we try to make them all go away

we must free out these tired souls

2007-06-11T04:49:00.000+08:00

we must free out these tired souls

knowing that i should be in bed by now, and knowing that i wouldnt be able to find anything to say, here i am, trying to force something out of my fingers. sometimes, dont you just wonder why do you try so hard? even though you know you'll get anything out of it. people, sigh.

i wonder how some people can get so impossible, it makes you loss for words. its that kind of exasperated feeling, it just chokes you inside. i'm not frustrated, only because i have no reason to, but i cant help feeling this way. something has to change, it must be rearranged, cause it is getting out of hand. but what can be done? not up to me to handle, but standing at a corner and seeing whatever that is happening just makes me feel helpless as well. but thinking about it, deep down inside, i really pity you. and i hope this will work out well.

tonight, is another night where the silence is just so deafening. together with the coldness, it just makes everything seem so depressing. it makes me wonder if there is even anyone out there to feel the same way. but if this poor soul exists too, i will pray for you. and i hope that everything will be alright for you soon, too.

this is a 5am syndrome. senseless utterances, throbbing head, sleeplessness. it is a sign to hit the sacks.

the city looks so nice from, pity i cant see it clearly

before the sun shines just kills us both

i still dont have a reason

2007-06-08T05:53:00.000+08:00

i still dont have a reason

after fighting to keep myself sobber, drowning myself with hours of information to equip myself for the exam, i finally managed to drag my heavy body back up to my room. what welcomed me back was a close friend saying, "as of yesterday morning, i started the day off with a broken heart." she said it with a laugh, and said it in a matter-of-fact manner. she expressed her sorrows with such positivity, it stuns me. how envious i am of her strength and her approach to it. yet it makes me wonder, if it is just that the fact has yet to sink in to her, or is she already aware of the fact that a bond that she has shared with that special someone for two years, has gone down the drain. nonetheless, to that courage, i salute you, my dear friend.

tonight, i've had totally new views of certain things that i had been so persistent on. tonight, i grew stronger, tonight, i feel like i've finally gain the freedom that should have been there all along. at least i would like to think so.

the promises that we've once made, to always be there for one another, and to never leave each other's sides had never once been fulfilled. those werent empty promises, it was just over-confidence. it wasnt that we never meant it, the promises were just not meant to be kept. so why should we be moaning over it? it doesnt hurt that much, does its?

sometimes, we hold on to certain things till we realise that they are no longer there. that is when we start to crumble, and we feel as if the world is starting to fall on us gradually. i still find it hard to describe that kind of feeling, that abstract feeling, that feeling that slowly kills me inside. it is the things that you hold onto dearest, that are the first to leave you. as what many have always been questioning, "why do all good things come to an end?" cause we will always notice the pain and the hurt, but we tend to forget those little, precious moments that once made us so happy, which may probably never happen again.

the little mighty mouse will be back again.

for once, never before, nothing else really matters anymore.

and you dont have the time

on my island of hope

2007-05-31T03:22:00.000+08:00

on my island of hope

i find it so queer, how can someone my size, actually feel comfortable in just jeans, tee and a skimpy jacket pulled over, when my other friends, who are much bigger in size (including caucasians), clad in coats, boots and scarfs, be shivering in 10 degrees celcius? i wasnt quite able to get the answer until tonight. i cant feel much of the coldness externally, cause nothing beats the coldest within me. i wouldnt be shivering outside, when i already am inside, would i?

have you ever felt that loneliness and sorrows can be such familiar feelings that you've never seem to be able to take them away? as scary as it may sound, these feelings actually pull you closer to someone whom you've always wanted to spend the rest of your life with. it is the exact same feeling as when missing and loving someone has been habitualised, and it is already a part of you, something you can never erase. this is not emo, nor is it sadistic, and it is hardly pessimistic. its just life. the life of someone whose soul is hardly ever there.

is it harder to accept things when it comes to you all of the sudden? or is it more difficult to handle it as it comes in grandually, bit by bit, the way it shreads your life into little tiny pieces? i've never thought that it would be so difficult to swallow something that i've long anticipated, when its thrown into my face. i find myself struggling to put the pieces together. then it came to me, that all along, it had been nothing, but self-assurance. how live-saving and devilish can that be at the same.

with murphy's law: what can go wrong, will go wrong, i think we should all smile, cause tomorrow's going to be worse anyway. so there is no point in getting furious over unjust, or devestated over a broken heart that was never there in the first place.

when we try to heal our wounds without using our own bare hands, is when we really feel the pain. in my opinion, the hardest thing to accomplish in life, is self-redemption.

tonight, the melody will cease to dance around the angel

let me surround you

not many people

2007-05-25T03:01:00.000+08:00

not many people

i think everyone deserves to be in love. but i dont think that this applies to me. how contradicting can i get. i guess everyone is like that now, in a way. contradictions are a part of life, and it exemplifies the way life is so clearly, its scary.

have you really felt how it is like to be in love and in pain at the same time? sounds so impossible, but i can see that with my own eyes now. how one can enjoy all the comforts and tenderness of a new budded love, but yet, at the same time, be drowning in sorrows everytime you're left alone. one may say that such people ask for it, but i think otherwise. i think that it is a wise but risky choice to put yourself through all that anxiety and guilt. cause only then, will you realize what you have been really desiring for, for that kind of love that will never make your heart stop beating, but seizes motion everytime you think of that one particular person. you live for that person, and all you breathe is that person's name. at this moment, you will also realise that you've once, for such a long time, loved wrongly. sad but true, its better to know it late than never at all.

recently, many images and feelings from the past gushed into me, relentlessly like a tidal wave. the nostalgia soothes my soul, yet makes me feel as if my whole world has come to an end, and that i'm the only one left alive. i think the most painful process is not experiencing lonliness, but the process of trying so hard not to feel so empty inside. it is only then, will you realise how lonely you actually are and feel.

it is okay to love someone who ever existed, cause then, that isnt love, for love, only exists between two people. and it is alright to weep over something that has long been gone, cause the hurt would have disappeared.

paint my love

can get through this stupid pride

if we could take one step back

2007-05-24T02:29:00.000+08:00

if we could take one step back

"those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies."

i happen to find this phrase so damn true. in my opinion, this is parallel to what people always say, 'ignorance is bliss'. indeed, it is. there are so many times, we hope there is only that much we know, but i guess, most of the time, we unknowingly, unwillingly are exposed to more than what we need to know. then, it comes to how you digest whatever that you know. some people choose to not bother about it, but some find that they cant seem to ignore whatever that they've newly acquired.

recently, there have been many occasions where the topic of relationship has been brought up, and that made me reflect on alot of things. things that i might have never noticed or acknowledged.

i have made a decision and a comment that has totally destroyed my so-call principles. this makes me so confused with myself now, i dont know how to face myself. it makes me wonder if i have ever really stuck closely to my moral values. and the thought of it just makes me feel so sick, so disgusted with myself. but then again, it is logic which made me draw that conclusion, it is logic which made me make that decision, and that comment. and logically reasoning is something we should never disregard.

you once said that it is a cold hard fact that love never existed. i always felt that love, is that special something between two people, something that bonds two people together. no wonder you never thought that love existed, now i know why.

you are the form of art that made everything out of nothing

to make everything alittle clearer

for a life that would never be

2007-05-09T02:26:00.000+08:00

for a life that would never be

how many out there would choose to pour your heart to someone you barely know, instead of those you see almost every second. to let those who are hardly there, know the things that have been kept within you for the longest time. surprisingly, most of the time, these random souls seem to get it better. look at it this way, arent your parents the people you see almost everyday? but why do you choose to tell those so-called 'friends' whom may not understand you the way your parents do, at the tip of their fingers (a very shallow example, no doubt).

with mother's day around the corner, everyone is hyped up about getting little, simple cards to post back home to their mums. some even come up with ridiculous ideas like getting people to deliver flowers to their mums. not wanting to be labelled unfilial, i decided to join the trend. i decided that i should psyc myself up into the idea of filling up the card as much as i can. how pathetic does that sound? well, i eventually did come around to writing the card, and to my surprise, i actually wrote with such fluency, i never thought i would have. to make full use of the card, i dedicated small parts of the card for dad and brother. as i sealed the envelop with all the love i could muster, whilst penning the address down, then a sudden wave of sadness hit me. it is only at that moment, when i realise how much i miss them, and how damnit far i am away from everything i know as 'home'. it pangs me so much, i found myself close to tears.

I love her simply because I found her irresistible.
I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always,
that I loved her against reason, against promise, against
all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I love her
none the less because I knew it, and it had no more
influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly
believed her to be human perfection.
-Pip, Great Expectations-

we should all say goodbye

on the other side of the highway

2007-05-06T04:53:00.000+08:00

on the other side of the highway

after wiping all the sweat on my forehead, i found myself muttering, 'i'm not there yet'. as painful as it may sound, so sad but true. how long more is there to go. should i give up just here, or would it put all the effort to waste?

i think its the times where you sit alone in the middle of no where, doing nothing in particular, just watching the people who passes by, when you find the most peculiar things and people. what i observed today, made me wonder how can some people be in favour of others, yet demand respect from them using profanities. how can some one actually take things for granted and think that the things people do for them are obligations and not out of good will. i found myself shaking my head in disbelief, with a tinge of exasperation.

is it possible to be extremely sensitive and insensitive beyond words at the same time? the only possibility that i can come up with, is being sensitive to oneself, and insensitive to the others around. this is the ultimate example of a selfish prick. this is who i am, i just came to realise that. acknowleging a mistake is one of the bravest thing to do. inside, i admit that i'm wrong, but on the surface, i'm nonchalent about this realisation. so on the inside, i'm the bravest knight, but on the outside, i'm only a bloody coward.

at times, i realise that i wished i was the only person left on this earth. not that i'm that selfish, wanting this world to myself, but its only when you're the only one left alive, there are many inter-personal problems that can be avoided. with that, there wouldnt be any intra-personal problems either. i used to think that i'm quite a inter-personal person, but as i grew older, i realise that i'm wrong. i'm the worst inter-personal person, cause i'll try to avoid conflict as much as i can. and even if such conflicts arise, i'll avoid having to clear up the mess, by acting oblivious about the hurt that i've caused the other party, and the hurt the other party inflicted on me. this is not problem-solving. its suppression. may be sometimes i should just fuck that ego and all that self-pride, probably things would be much better.

i want to wake up where you are. cause there's often that urge to prove that there's still that image in my mind. do you wake up to wonder where you are, you live with all your faults? when you try your best but you dont succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when youre so tired but you cant sleep, i wish the lights will guide you home. what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful. thats all i want to tell you.

your silence is the most beautiful thing i have left

please dont ever let go

its flying away so far

2007-05-03T03:06:00.000+08:00

its flying away so far

i think i forgot to say this
Happy Birthday to you.
i swear i remembered it,
at the back of my mind

i love you, my princess, always

i can hardly feel it

try to say goodbye and i choke

2007-05-03T02:45:00.000+08:00

try to say goodbye and i choke

the paradoxical feeling of enjoying the luxury of being served and cared for and at the same time, that disgust of being a parasite. that feeling is so intensed, it makes me want to burst into tears. the agony of not being to do the slightest thing for yourself, like removing your trousers. what a shame.

i tend to sit down at a corner, on my own, in the midst of a rowdy party to ponder about things that i've done and those that i've not. such images are usually triggered by my surroundings. how queer isnt it? then i'll wonder, if the things you do are ever worth the effort you put in, despite the outcome. but then again, isnt the worth of something you do
a measure of the outcome? this makes me wonder, what can be worse than a love for someone that goes to waste or losing something you'll never be able to replace?

i think time's getting tighter these days, which makes everyone so uptight. i have a hunch that certain strings are going to snap soon, i just dont know what. and if they really do, i think i wouldnt be able to fix them back. i'm not a pro at these kind of things, cause i think i have the tendency to avoid such situations.

if memory hasnt failed me, or my sensometer isnt overrated, i think i somehow recalled someone telling me once, that things will happen, but not to me. i remembered being dumbfounded by that, cause if there's no through road to the destination i've set out for, i'll have no where else to go.

finally, i'm out of words.

i try to keep my cool, but i'm feigning

try to walk away and i stumble

what you feel is what you are

2007-04-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

what you feel is what you are

'are you happy now?' a i'm-not-sure-if-its-random question my special friend asked me just a while ago. as much as i thought that it'd being an easy question to answer, i found myself stumbling upon my own answer. so the answer i settled for, was 'there's nothing for me to be unhappy about now. stable life, my friends and family to love, school and every other thing.' but do you realise that there's some thing missing? some thing that i no longer know how to fill it in with, some thing that i can no longer feel its existence. something that doesnt belong to me anymore.

i was, once again, having a heart-to-heart chat with someone close to heart, and it made me realise that you actually do a lot of things you never thought you would. unconsciously, you make mistakes that are so apparent to people around you, it makes you look like a fool. and no matter how unintentional it is, you are still at fault. and i wonder, how oblivious can one get, and you'll be surprised by the answer, i'm serious.

i'm venturing into something i've never done in my life. i'm uncertain about the process,least to say the outcome, but i'll clench my fist and brave through that. i can say, i'm amazed by my guts sometimes. then again, i admire other's even more.

one day when i'm gone, i hope you'd know, i'm still in love with the you, who could never find the courage to have a change of heart.

and what you are is beautiful

heaven bent to take my hand

2007-04-17T03:13:00.000+08:00

heaven bent to take my hand

do you find yourself wondering why you do the things you do? when you think that what you do is correct, but you gradually start to doubt yourself. then who is going to be there to tell you that what you're doing is wrong. what else is left to say when nothing said can ever change your mind? after the whole ordeal, you then decide that convincing yourself that you've been right all along is the best choice.

though the iTunes is blasting into my ears through the earphones, i'm shivering inside. the silence is killing me. i find myself too exhausted to utter a single word, yet i think i'm too timid to sleep. what could be a better thing to warm me up, cause the heater isnt working the way it should.

i wonder what is it like to put yourself on the line. the feeling of dangling in mid-air, the feeling of not knowing what will happen next, the possiblilty of dropping down and never coming up. it is the risks you take which make you learn new things, its the pain which makes you learn to be careful, its the fear which makes you sensible. then i why am i still the way i am?

to all those who have suffered immensely from heart pangs, i pray for you tonight. sometimes i wish i could love you more than i already do, to love you more than myself.

as tears shatter their way through

lead me through the fire

its the silence that shocks me

2007-04-14T04:32:00.000+08:00

its the silence that shocks me

its such a queer time to be awake. where you peer out of the window, all you see is the darkness that engulfs you. there's a nagging voice at the back of my mind, telling me that it is such an ungodly hour to be still up, here, typing this. but i cant seem to do anything about it. not that i'm not tired, just that i dont wish to close my eyes.

as we all know, humans have this huge tendency to look at differences, not similarities. taking not of that, i try hard to find similarities in the things around me now, yet, there's nothing that i was able to detect. this makes me wonder if it is really that things have changed, or is it just me who has changed. who is gonna be the one who tells me what has changed?

someone close to my heart told me quite recently, that i'm in fact an extremely flawed individual. i was confused if i should feel hurt, or if i should be glad that at least someone around me is willing to pick up the courage to point out my mistakes. my reaction at that particular moment may have seemed that i was offended. i wasnt. i was merely shakened.

now, tell me. are changes good? should we change to our surroundings, or should we stick to our beliefs. if we stick to our beliefs, what happens if our beliefs are skewed? and if we change to suit our surroundings, wouldnt we lose all the values which are supposed to be embedded within us? which is right and which isnt? or is there not a definite answer to this? what do you think?

as i'm about to end this and head to bed, a friend of mine seeks comfort in me, with the generous offer of my ears. as he rants on his troubles, similar images start pouring in. that made me realise, this, is never going to end.

why did you leave all the images pouring on me

not the abruptness that drowns me

when you charmed me

2007-04-08T03:44:00.000+08:00

when you charmed me

when your mind's in a whirl, and you feel you've so much you want to say that you're about to explode any moment, but nothing comes out at the end. its that indescribable feeling that makes you sick, makes you feel like digging your guts out and crush it into pieces.

sometimes, there are things you do which make you end up wondering why you did it. and i think, i happens all the time actually. it makes you wake up realising you dont at all belong to this place, it makes you so disgusted with yourself. i wonder why. i cant quite put my finger to it, but perhaps its the best option left, you reckon?

shimmering lights dont really memerise me that much, just that i choose to drown in them. dont ask me why, i really dont know how to answer that. music doesnt make me high, just that i allow my soul to be taken away. its not that somethings hurt me, just that i dont stop them from destroying me.

i'd love to know that it would be more peaceful to have a life where nothing around you bothers a least to you, and that self-centeredness is the way of live. how cool does that sound? something that would interest you right?

drank so much last night i think that i drown

you should have gotten down on it

as the wind whispers

2007-04-02T03:10:00.000+08:00

as the wind whispers

through skinned knees and skidded marks, we start to learn how to pick ourselves up. as much as we wished things will always stay under our feet, it never happens. and no matter how much we pray for the wounds to heal flawlessly, things will never be the same again. thats the irony of the mistakes we make. its the hilarious way life mocks at us.

how easy would it be if we clench our fists, straighten ourselves and walk along. what a nice way to put it. try it for yourself. you'd know what i'm trying to get at. its crazy.

people come and go into our lives. but who are the one who stay and who are the ones who will leave ultimately. how do we tell?

i've to try and block out thoughts of senseless things, just so that i dont lose my head. there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain. as i start waging wars with myself, who is going to stop the fight? i want to drive so fucking far away, so i wouldnt cross people's minds. the one thing that tears me apart from people, is the one thing that i'll never want to touch. kicking shadows on the street for every mistake i have made, i end up realising, i've no where to go. like a baby, i was never alive. and the only thing i could hear, was "how could you do this to me?"

love hurts, indeed. but how will you ever know?

if the starts would bring me home to you, i wish they would fall all onto me

everything else falls into place

let the music carry you

2007-03-22T00:11:00.000+08:00

let the music carry you

gossips are all about the power to judge and condemn others, to feel superior to others somehow. it is a contradiction of public opinion and private behaviour. and it is something everyone likes to do, whether you like to admit it or not. its human nature, its a form of expression, its an outlet to vend your frustrations. it just makes people feel better.

have you ever felt like you want to let go of something which you should treasure and hold so close to your heart, just because you once and for a very long time thought that its gonna be all worth it? you want to let it go because you hate the feeling of abandonment. when you get to a promised venue to find that you are all alone? a feeling you've experienced so many times, you just get so afraid of. then now tell me, which is a wise choice. to stick to your old beliefs, or to let it go in attempts of self-defence.

recently, i stumbled upon something which reminded me of someone. someone i should have forgotten a long time ago. someone not worth me mentioning. ironically, i've decided that i want to. the thought of her infuriates me. it is so painful, it burns like ice. but whenever i think i think of you, i know that i'm not alone.

with a blazing smile, i die

maybe i'll follow you

in the middle of the night

2007-03-09T02:05:00.000+08:00

in the middle of the night

i wonder, would your life really come to an end this instant just because you think it would? if its so, would there be a lot more suicide cases? not that it has anything related to anything i've been studying in uni, but this question just popped into my mind as i was in the washroom. is there another or many other steps in ending your life other than just wanting to? i guess there are, just that wanting to end your life badly enough is extremely crucial.

if things in life could just come flowing in just because you say it would, or at least you thought so, how wonder is that? i always believe people want their lives to be better, even if its just a tad bit, and even if they insist that they're contented with their lives. i think absolute contentment is rubbish. but then again, how much better is better?

how ironic, while i'm sitting, with Fergie spinning on itunes and a bunch of lunatic caucasians partying their lives away just a couple of metres from where i am, i'm still, all empty and skeptical, typing and typing just to try and make myself feel better.

maybe life should be a little better.

love me when i'm gone

is he gonna be by your side

the path we've walked

2007-01-20T04:55:00.000+08:00

the path we've walked

we go through so much, simple ones, complicated ones, these make us angry, make us sad. but actually, how much is too easy and how much is too difficult? where do we draw the line?

sometimes, i wonder why do we put ourselves through so much pain and agony, just to make ourselves feel better, and feel at ease? does it actually make sense? will things really be much sweeter after all the bitterness we experience, or is it just a psychological prank? have you ever thought of that?

if the air that we breathe is so stale that it chokes us to death, should we still continue breathing, or should we just stop all together?

we always think that after the sun sets, it will always rise again. but when the sun rises, it will set as well, wouldnt it? pessimism, optimism? what is it, you choose.

why do you still feel so alone

will never turn round

they never knew

2007-01-10T04:03:00.000+08:00

they never knew

it has been so long since i've last done this, it seems a little difficult starting. anyhow, here goes.

i really wonder how the old days went by the way they did, the same way i wonder why street lights are positioned the way they are. when i was younger, during the long trips home in the wee hours before daybreak, i would lie flat on the back seat, till i could stare straight outside, where i see the street lights move by. when i got used to doing that, i was so good at it that i could my blinks could synchronise with the reapperance of the glaring street lights. and secretly, the sight of the street lights soothed me inside. doesnt it amaze you?

as i got older, i slowly forgot that i ever enjoyed doing that, cause now, i no longer have the luxury of lying on the back seat. now, i'm the one in front of the wheel. but the street lights still never fail to mesmerise me, as my car cruises down the highway. it is so beautiful, it blinds me.

how will street lights appear to me in another twenty years time? will they still be as stunning as they always had? or would they just be another thing in life, another thing that i would gradually grow out of, gradually forget?

life is not a bed of roses,
now i know

so it slipped away

no use deceiving

2006-10-03T02:14:00.000+08:00

no use deceiving

i dont know if anything i do is worth the effort anymore. its so difficult to tell yourself that what you're doing is for a good cause and you see nothing at the end of it. as much as i wish to be as good as i think i am now, i'm so far away from that. that disappointment is so intense, it drowns me.

its a month away yet it seems so long. i need to breathe soon, i need a real good sleep. i need to stop thinking and start reading. i need to get through this, really.

physically, mentally and emotionally drained.

i need Your touch, i need Your love.

you lonelily let him push under your bone

neither of us wants to be alone

you turn every head

2006-09-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

you turn every head

this silence is so deafening, and its driving me crazy instead. no matter how much i try to talk senses into myself, it seems that my inner mind's getting the best out of me. and it doesnt make any sense to me at all, why i'm feeling this way.

it has finally sunk into me, how much time i've wasted, and i think i should just stop this. it is pointless and senseless. i need to start getting my ass down to solid work, like it or not. i'm only left with 5 more study weeks, 1-2 weeks of study break and there you go, my final exams. my goodness daphne, what on earth do you think you're thinking about?!

there is a great sense of acheivement, yet saddening to go shopping for your father's present, paying it yourself, with no one to split the cost with and to have to send it back? never in my life have i bought my dad's present one and a half weeks before his birthday. thats the huge price to pay for keeping away from the constant arguements over the splitting of cost with your brother, and even more so, who is to get the present. i miss birthday dinners all of the sudden. no sense of dread at all if i have to attend one now. this is what you get when you're a thousand miles away from home? to realise that everything's gonna have to be totally opposite from what it is back home. darn, i think i need to start telling myself that this is my home now. and for the first time, i'm feeling extremely loved, yet upset at the same time.

its tatty-teddy's third birthday today. should i rejoice from him, or mourn.

i'm hungry for Your love and touch.

i've been watching your world from a far

but you dont see me

in my opinion seeing is knowing

2006-09-19T01:09:00.000+08:00

in my opinion seeing is knowing

what does it mean when you've tried so hard, yet you fail so badly? does it mean that i've not tried hard enough or is it that i've did it in the wrong way, or is it just luck that is playing a fool out of me? i'm getting alittle exhausted out of all these attempts of wanting to suceed but nothing comes out of it.

how does it feel to breathe and celebrate victory but you've no contribution to it at all? if you want to know, i'll tell you. it suck. it digs you out from inside, and it mocks at you for being so useless, yet you try to gain glory through others' capability and effort. what are you?

are all these signs of rejections? i believe its too late to surface right now. its far too late. it cant be happening now, no, not at this time.

god, why do i feel like crap now. is it just a passing phase or is this just the beginning? please take this feeling away. and please make the 'monthly affair' hurt lesser. its killing me inside and out.

please tell me i'll be alright once again

the things we hold are always the first to go

just look to the rainbow and you will see

2006-09-17T03:39:00.000+08:00

just look to the rainbow and you will see

i find it so amusing to have a 20 minute conversation with my dad, chatting with him like a friend, only after 19 years of my life? how much time have i wasted, how much i've lost out not conversing with my dad in proper? am i just trying to act as if i'm extremely close to my dad but in actual fact i'm not? or am i just trying to cover up the fact that i'm not all that pysched up about my life here and i dont wish to upset or worry my old man.

and when i look up from my laptop screen and i see the small ornament my sweet dad gave me which says "Always my daughter, now too my friend", it makes me crumble up inside. i just want you make you smile with pride dad, really.and this makes me start to miss him. i hate to pretend, but honestly, i always look forward to talk to him, somehow.

is it true that you'll only miss it when its gone? i dont think it works so well for me, cause i treasured it when i had it, and it only makes it all worse, cause dont know why i've lost it. what's there left for me to fall back on? it would be nicer if you'd tell me.

goodnight to you

the sun will shine till eternity

just turn your face away

2006-09-13T01:58:00.000+08:00

just turn your face away

i wonder what its like to somersault in a back flip manner. would it bring me back to everything i ever wanted and wished for, and still have the ability to attain it? if i could, i would try till my bones shatter, at least it would feel better that way. that at least i've tried and i know where i went wrong.

i realised, i really hate to change my opinion on issues, and the schemas that have already formed and rooted. its difficult, almost impossible, cause it feels like you've to live all over again. i'm not exaggerating, its true, for me at least. yet sometimes, you dont seem to have a choice.when nothing works your way, and all you're left with is a left or a right turn, with no straight road a head or a U-turn sign anywhere in sight. i believe its time for me to change certain perspectives about life, my life, and the way its going to be, like it or not.

have i mentioned how much i miss you? its probably as much as how i feel, and have been feeling for you. very self-explanatory i know. but i guess, i have to agree with you for the first time in the entire history, that it is time it ends. there's not going to be anything out of it, no matter how much i beg and pray. its just not going to happen.

please, just let go of me.

when the night was young

when you see nothing at all

all above it

2006-09-09T02:47:00.000+08:00

all above it

'when you come back down

if you land on your feet

i hope you find a way to make it back to me

When you come around

ill be there for you

dont have to be alone

with what youre going through'

i dont know why, this song has been stuck in my head for this past week, its starting to annoy me. not the song itself. it is an absolutely lovely song, and addictive too. but it is the things that run through my mind when the song is being played and after listening to it. it is so repetitive that it tires me out, yet i cant do anything about it. ever felt that way before?

i'm kinda glad the one week break is here so i can take a break. but coming to think of it, it isnt much of a break, with the amount of things i need to do. then again, i just want to keep busy, at least i wont have the time, energy and luxury to think that much, and get lost in space all the time.

i dont know, sometimes, i really wish i could tell myself, i guess its time to just move on.

god, give me a break

nothing underneath

over the hedge

2006-09-07T02:49:00.000+08:00

over the hedge

i wonder if long drives still make you think of me, but i'm certain they remind me of you. not that i really want to, i cant help it, i've tried, really. i couldnt help thinking of the things we used to do, on the way home from the airport. i tried sleeping so i wouldnt drift off into my own world, yet i couldnt keep my eyes shut, they way i have always been hoping to open yours, sad but true, neither could i.

i've quite forgotten the way we used to cuddle together during naps, the way you hug me from behind whenever i solve math, chemistry or chinese questions for you. did i ever tell you, i absolutely love that. i cant remember how it feels to receive texts first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and end up smiling to myself like a lunatic. all these make you seem so far away from me, yet so near.

i dont actually know why i'm typing all these. probably the endless rushing of assignment and trying to study for my mid-sems is driving me alittle insane, or is it that i'm just getting too emotional for my own good. i've been pondering about the letter i've written to you, and the one you wrote to me, almost a year from now. doesnt seem that long, does it? surprisingly, it is.the way it surprises me how long have we been apart from each other. and i'm really unsure if i want your reply or do i not want it at all. i've just been wanting to say that if you're not happy, jusy come back to me.

as i opened my eyes after an unsuccessful attempt in trying to call asleep in the car. i gazed at the person resting soundly and contentedly against my shoulder. as much as i wished it was you, it wasnt. ever knew how it felt like ripping your own heart out to bleed? i experienced that feeling that very moment. you're so far away, so far away.

i'm sorry, i guess i just miss you, though i dont mean to.

back to my coffee and paul crompton.

long gone

and around back down

i'm lonely outside

2006-09-01T02:03:00.000+08:00

i'm lonely outside

nights like this when i end up tossing and turning in my bed, i realise how much i have to say. but when i sit in front of this rectangular block, all prepared to type my life away, i find myself loss for words. not because of my limited vocabulary, but the very fact that the things that i have in mind are too overwhelming, i have no idea where to start from and how to continue from there.

so i find myself going on and on, round in circles typing issues of no relevance, and ultimately annoying myself, and my readers, if there are any to begin with.

there was a particular night that i was feeling extremely skeptical about certain issues, i start to wonder if anyone had ever done me any unjust, or is it that i'm just far too forgiving, that i do not bare the grudge. i'd love to think that i'm magnanimous, but i know i'm not. perhaps i was far to wounded to speak, or i just wish to forget about everything all together.

following that, i couldnt help thinking of how it felt to be abandoned for no apparent reason, and end up having to blame myself, cause i couldnt think of anything else to account for. is this considered sheer stupidity or the lack in ability to self-defend?

and now, i'm left to decipher if i'm to carry on with life and act as if nothing has happened and nothing is ever going to happen, or am i supposed to wait for a miracle to happen. sometimes, i need signs, or even more obvious, answers. i'm a first semester psychology student, who has just been exposed to abnormal behaviours and development, nothing more nothing less. i'm not god, nor am i you. i cant read you.

do you even know what i'm trying to get at?

jaded

so i look on in

past has left its stain

2006-08-30T00:51:00.000+08:00

past has left its stain

i will never get to you

screaming my life away, just to get to you

now I feel the shame

alone in this land

2006-08-27T02:51:00.000+08:00

alone in this land

are the stars here the same as yours?

come home soon, lovely

through london, new york and amsterdam

i've been down this road before

2006-08-22T19:45:00.000+08:00

i've been down this road before

if only everything coulld be the way i want it to be.
but you're so far away from me.
tears wouldnt fall anyway.

i keep dreaming you will be with me
and you will never go
stop breathing if
i dont see you anymore

so far away

all that i've found points me back to you

let things go round

2006-08-14T01:25:00.000+08:00

let things go round

when things come out from the other side of the road, and you dont seem to realise which way leads back home. when you feel that the pain is so excruciating, you cant feel your fingers, cause it cant stop seeping through your skin, cant stop flowing through your veins. it becomes a part of you, and it is what your heart pumps for. bewildered and uncertain, you lose your bearings, you lose your life into endlessness.

do you know what it feels like to try and be yourself but you cant feel or grasp anything? the agony of staring into the mirror and not being able to recognise who you see? when people around you are crying desperately for help but you feel so unworthy cause you cant do anything to help ease their pain? no you wont, cause you can only feel for yourself, and you are all you see.

am i making you sound as if you're not worth a single cent? or am i downgrading you to the extent, you have no position on this planet. as much as i hate to admit, it is this selfishness which capivates me.

apart from all the random rubbish, please forgive me, i hope to reach out to you. damn it, i want to go home.

the stranger in my eyes

so the world will stop

my dedication

2006-08-09T23:35:00.000+08:00

my dedication

Happy Birthday Singapore

my pledge

i'll stand in the silence

2006-08-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

i'll stand in the silence

you're on the other side of the world,

to me

stop counting the hours
live out in the world
i've been chasing the answers
and they dont want to be found

until i figure it out

keep me sprung

2006-08-08T12:42:00.000+08:00

keep me sprung

tossing and turning,
its so hard just to stay alive

random

keep me running back to you

start to breathe and fake a smile

2006-08-04T12:23:00.000+08:00

start to breathe and fake a smile

i miss you in a way you'll never know

when it all seem strange

its all the same after a while

the ups and downs

2006-07-30T23:36:00.000+08:00

the ups and downs

school has finally started, though they're only lectures, i can feel the intensity. the extremely discouraging thing is what aaron said just 10mins ago, outside my door, 'wow, psychology is a difficult subject.' i'm only in my first year, first semester, first week of school and you telling me that? thank you very much. what the heck.

the timetable's out, my lessons happen to all be in the morning. the lastest lesson's at 1pm. early tutorial tomorrow morning. history and 9am. and i've yet to choose my research topic. OH MY BLOODY GOD!

are you falling sick now? hope not. and hope the strepsils really work. i dont know why, during extremely cold days and especially when i'm in the city, i cant help but think of you. it never seems to stop. anyhow, try sleeping early.

over and over again

truths and lies

all these seem strange and untrue

2006-07-25T14:25:00.000+08:00

all these seem strange and untrue

hello from downunder! its freezing cold now, and i'm making full use of my time, typing my life away. internet's finally up, yet its so restricted. i cant download much, neither can i chat non-stop. that means no more new songs and shows.

made my first step into the nex phase of my life. its alittle scary cause i'm not used to the way things are being taught, but this time round, i've got to face it. sounds very courageous huh? full of crap.

wonder how's things back home, wonder how's my room now. how are the friends, and how are you doing. i know this is very weird. but i've decided to talk to you in this manner. mad as it may sound, but i feel better this way.

just popped by to prove that this site isnt being abandoned. i'll be back soon to continue, i'm off to nap then revise.

deep inside of you

and i wont waste a minute without you

take my hand knot your fingers through mine

2006-07-06T15:41:00.000+08:00

take my hand knot your fingers through mine

okay, so portugal and germany are both outta the finals, there's really nothing to left to watch on sunday. it was supposed to be a memoriable day yesterday. indeed so, but not the good side. finally met up with yan after gazillion years. had dinner and walked about. then i suddenly decided to accompany her to meet jo and vanny. and i got bounced outta double o cause i forgot the age limit is 20. so i waited for more than an hour for the girls to finish their drinks so we could head to MOS. MOS was hell! dont really wish to mention how crowded the cage was.

just when we were about to leave, psyco YZ appeared out of no where and hauled jo outta the club. the commotion got so huge that the police parked nearby almost interferred. and if so i'll be seen at the lock up! so they couple settled their stuff and we went to devils bar to catch the semis. please please never let my bro know i ever stepped into devils bar? he's so gonna murder me.

late nights out like these, i often find myself curbing this ridiculous urge to text you? and i feel so horrible after that? its not as if i know i'm not supposed to be messaging you or even to think of it, but i just cant help it. yan couldnt believe you dont know i'm leaving, and honestly, i myself cant believe it. yet i dont wanna tell you. maybe i'm afraid of your reaction, or maybe i dont know how to tell you. oh bother!

tell me that you'll open your eyes

And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

forget what we're told

2006-07-04T01:39:00.000+08:00

forget what we're told

i dont know if this is the right thing to do, but i've been planning quite alot of stuff to do before school starts of me. too many unnecessary things but yet i think if i dont, i may regret. i had too much of regrets these few years, enough of it. fuck whatever happens after that, at least i get it done, get the big stone that has been living within me for so long outta my chest. i wont be able to get any replies from anyone, cause i think i'm gonna change my email add all. not sure if my line will still be in use, probably dad will cancel it or something.

i've been thinking alot about 'my future' and stuff. i dont know what will i be like ten years from now. will i be doing something i really love, or will i be like always, doing things i'm expected to. its damn tiring trying to keep up to people's expectations of me. then what are my expectations of myself? is it based according to that of others, or its it truely my own? i havent been able to answer these questions and its killing me. what do you think? am i up to your expectation? or shall i rephrase my question, was i up to your expectation then? i guess not.

its so difficult to carry on feeling the way i am now. yet its so impossible to erase it all away. 'time will erase everything away', this is such a big lie. if i could sketch you out the other way around, would it change the way everything is now? i'm passive, so god damned passive. my god, shut up daphne.

i don't quite know how to say how i feel
those three words are said too much
they're not enough

before we get too old

would lay with me

2006-07-03T15:13:00.000+08:00

would lay with me

the whole week has been hetic, no planned outings, no nothing. dont get me wrong, i'm not complaining about it, just reviewing the whole week. the wake has ended, CS has collected the ash back home and all. its a brand new kinda life for him. its so tough, and i really admire his strength and not to forget his maturity. things will get better CS, we'll all be around for you at least.

i've finally started packing up, and i realised that there's just too much junk! i think 20 black bags wont be enough to clear everything. but i dont know, its just so difficult to do so, especially throwing the unwanted stuff away. and its so difficult to start packing again after i stop. i'm just so reluctant to. well, who isnt?

i was just wondering, if it never ends, then when do i start? and where do i start from?

i suddenly lost the mood to blog. probably i can do it better at night.

we dont need anything or anyone

and just forget the world

it comes as we know

2006-06-30T03:34:00.000+08:00

it comes as we know

it isnt WorldCup thats why i'm still awake at this hour, but its the fact that its getting harder and harder to fall asleep as days go by. honestly, i feel extremely exhausted, yet i refuse to let my eyes shut tight. is this considered self-torture? if it is, i swear it isnt deliberate.

everything happened in a flash, till this point in time, i'm still trying very hard to digest. the whole gang of us have been cancelling all our appointments, rearranging our schedules to ensure that we all can accompany CS through this difficult period. it was so sudden, so uncalled of. everyone was so unprepared, so lost. when i received the phone call from peck, i was so shocked, i sat in the dark on m bed for a full whole ten minutes, just having a blank mind, staring into space. only after she called back to explain how everything happened, i felt like crap. when my good friend was in such a lost state, there i was at home, sulking about unnecessary and unimportant issues, and the rest of them were there for him. i still feel so horrid now, i wonder if i'm really that selfish. i just hope everything will be fine, though i know, somehow or rather, it will never be the same again. uncle low, may you rest in peace, and please bless your family, especially CS, to be strong enough to tide through life without you.

time's running out. i just realise today, as much as i hate to admit it, i've really gotta start clearing up stuff and getting everything else settled. i really wonder how will it feel like having white/plastic sheets pulled over my furniture. will i miss my small little cosy island more than i think i will? will you miss me as much as i always had? i think i should really shut the fuck up(courtesy of Lim JJ).

twenty-nine lives just isnt enough to erase it all away

yet it leaves as it flows

i want so much to open up your eyes

2006-06-27T05:04:00.000+08:00

i want so much to open up your eyes

i'm not sure what on earth am i doing online at this time of the day, either do i have an agenda. probably its just that for the millionth time, i cant seem to get to sleep. or is it that i dont want to sleep. damn, i hate this kinda feeling. i hate using the World Cup fever as an excuse not to sleep. i just dont wanna close my eyes. i find it so painful to find out once in a while, that i'm actually living in self-denial, where i keep telling myself that i'm over and done with it, but i turned out to be so far from that. i guess even more so now. i dont know whether to be happy that you've finally gotten out of this whole draggy mess, or should i feel sour and hope that you'd get a breakup soon. even if you do get one(not that i'm really hoping you will), i wouldn be the one nursing your wounds. i figured, i will never be the one.

i feel so useless now, that i'm jobless, broke, i've nothing but a bank full of time. i'm a total bummer and a pauper. i just dont understand why i cant seem to want to do anything about it. i'm so aimless and i constantly feel as if i shouldnt even exist in this world. sometimes, i cant even be bothered going out with my homies.

i'm not going to be around for long, and i thought now it'll be even easier for me to leave, but yet everytime i think about it, i just feel so rotten inside. so this is finally something new that i experience, and maybe for the last time, this hurts the most. for the first time, i'm admitting that it really really is painful. but can you see the hidden tears behind my eyes?

when you come back down
if you land on your feet
i hope you'd find a way to make it back to me

so that you'll look into mine

she's loving her still

2006-05-31T02:16:00.000+08:00

she's loving her still

my body clock apparently seems to be alittle faulty now, and i'm finding it very hard to adjust to the normal one that i used to have. now, i sleep at 5-7am every day and i only wake up at say 2-4pm? its crazy i know. i want my 12am sleep and 9am wake back!

i'm supposed to write a list of what i need to get for school and all, but i dont seem to be very willing to get down to that, imagine how difficult it will be for me to try and buy them! its not that i'm lazy, just that i dont want to, i dont know why. probably a part of me doesnt wanna start school, maybe a part of me just wants to stay whereever i am. whatever it is, i have to start real soon!

my second last driving lesson today. didnt turn out to be as bad as i expected it to be. and the Anthony said that it wasnt too bad, judging that i havent been on the wheels for two weeks. i just NEED to be calm and relax to pass. I NEED THE GODDAMNED LICENSE! GIVE IT TO ME!!

my bro's snoring away, ten steps from where i'm sitted. poor him, with a mouth full of ulcers, a rather bad new hair cut, and having sat for a gruelling exam of 3 hours. he needs that sleep.

learning to barely feel the pain

after all this time

its not about who we are

2006-05-25T01:14:00.000+08:00

its not about who we are

someone asked me, is it better to take a couple of small steps at a time, or big leaps in one go. literally when i run, and generally in life. i wasnt too sure of the answer that i wanted to give, cause probably it sounds right only to me. anyhow, here goes.

running a couple of small steps at a time naturally gives you faster frequency, and big leaps in one go covers a wider distance. both sounds like they have their plus and minus points, so like every other saint answers, we go for the 'middle' answer. we run neither too small steps(under striding) nor too big steps(over striding). we have good knee lifts which brings you steps which are fast in frequency and of reasonable strides. see the key, good knee lifts. easier said than done, but i've been there and done that. quite an accomplishment for a shortie.

well, i think we should take a good balance of our pace in life, not too many 'small steps' at a time, and not too many 'big steps' in one go. sounds like a piece of cake huh? wait till you try balancing it. for that, i've yet to be there and do that.

things are toning down alot, certain emotions are starting to fade away. is it supposed to be this way? or has something gone wrong down the line. i find that this empty void within me surfaces so often, i dont know whether to take it that its normal, or whether to try and seek for a cure to this.

if only yesterday seemed fine

its about you and me

i think i died in an accident

2006-05-23T22:42:00.000+08:00

i think i died in an accident

okay, i think i should start typing some crap here before it starts to grow moldy and all. but somehow i realise, i've nothing much to talk about.

here i am, sitting in front of my whacky laptop, thinking hard of what to enter, listening my bro rant about homosexualism to his gf, making me fight back the urge to burst out laughing. he thinks he's mr know-it-all, and goes on and on about it as if he's a professor of Bachaelor of Homosexualism. but he doesnt make sense to me at all. he insist that he's correct and i'm wrong. now now, look whose the homosexual here?! okay wait, not as if he knows. nevermind about that, at least its entertaining.

hanging out with jody and gang can really be fun. cause they're crappy to the maximum! they just keep going on and on about rubbish, though they do make sense sometimes. okay, i'm the one who isnt making sense. i should hang out more with them, to kill time, etc.

driving test is another one week away! i'd better pass it at first attempt or i'll be screwed man! finally its here, i think i'll die of hyper-ventillation even before i start the ignition key. god bless me.

baby i'm going on an aeroplane
dont know if i'll be back again

cause this must be heaven

twirls and whirls

2006-05-10T01:23:00.000+08:00

twirls and whirls

i wonder if i was ever or will i ever be afraid of being alone in a country so foreign to me. it just occurred to me that i hardly ever leave the country, even for just a short visit to else where. i've been stucked here for so long, by choice or not, i hardly know what its like to be far from home. i tried to recall the times when i went for holidays. KL(JC Year 2), Hong Kong(JC Year 1), KL(Sec 2), Mauritius(Pri 5), once to Gold Coast, cant remember when though, and the list goes on. not a very appealing one right? i can use my 10 fingers to count the number of trips i've been to. my passport's seriously close to being blank.

a currently pending application for a double degree, trying to figure a way to cut cost, which is close to impossible i heard, finding my way around a place i've never stepped my foot onto. making new friends, something i really hate, which doesnt seem so. 6-7 years away from home doesnt sound like a short stay to me at all. and looking back, i dont think i ever really felt good during my holidays abroad. probably cause it was the wrong time of the year, or it was just me being emo and all.

how am i going to survive? am i ever gonna come back? some random questions that came along while i was thinking about all these. to digress before i forget to mention, wei received her rejection letter from SMU and this was a sentence from her text 'it was only a matter of time.' it isnt it always so? why is it so goddamn hard to try to survive here? will it be easier out there? maybe not.

this thought hit me the most,
what's gonna keep me alive?

those choppy waters

remember how you used to say
i'd be the one to run away
but i'm still here

fills and spills

let it out

2006-05-07T22:10:00.000+08:00

let it out

how can you ever blow a lamborgini up?! thats the biggest sin i tell you! you could've just given it to me. if anyone gives me a diablo for my birthday, i'll marry that saint.

MI-3 with my parents this afternoon. was a rather thrilling movie. it wasnt the movie that gave a lasting impact. its the fact that i havent watch a movie with my folks for a long time. okay, is national treasure counted long? probably this is the last movie i'll have with my folks, till a very long time later. no more free movies. damn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

out with JJ, peckjoo, jody and natalie yesterday. were supposed to head to Hilton for the Club 21 sale. judging from the time we met and the rate that we were strolling, i reckoned that we would only be able to grab undergarments that can be our shorts.

JJ and my movie date went down the drain, so we ended up shopping(goofing around to be precise). i swear after the outing, my waist line reduced by at least 2 inches! we couldnt stop laughing, and i think nat thought that we are lunatics.

met wei in town, and a long bus ride home together. the same route we took 2 weeks ago, with big bags and costly tags. things that are already considered as junk, being chucked aside.

its been a week now, and a week's sulking is more than enough. i have to wake up my idea and get on with life. no messages, least to say calls. not a single word. just silence. i guess you've conveniently left my life again. i dont know why, but i've a hunch, this time, its gonna be for good. will it? i hope not.

its been too long, please come back home.

if you could tell right from wrong

then let it pass

but somehow

2006-05-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

but somehow

i dont know, all of the sudden, as the blogger page opened, i realise, i dont have much to say today. i dont feel like ranting about the things i've done today. wait, did i even do anything?

probably cause my laptop's pissing me off too. its so damn laggy, i'm growing beard.

somedays I feel like shit

somedays i wanna quit and just be normal for a bit

i don't understand why you have to always be gone

i get along but your trips always feel so long

and i find myself trying to stay by the phone

'cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone

but i feel like an idiot, working my day around a call

and when i pick up i don't have much to say,

i want you to know its a little fucked up that

i'm stuck here waiting, at times debatin

where'd you go?

i miss you so

seems like its been forever that you've been gone

please come back home

i have a feeling i'm getting alittle emo now. i'm off.

could you turn it all around

i want more

we all self conscious

2006-05-04T23:30:00.000+08:00

we all self conscious

it feels so damn good after 'downloading'. dinner was P E R F E C T. pays off the hardwork i've put in for today's workout. sushi tei. is it heaven or what?! dinner was late, but its worth all the waiting. i'm surprised, i ate more than my old man, and my ma was so shocked.

i have a very bad feeling that my legs are gonna be so sore tomorrow. endurance was quite tough today. partially cause i had to follow yunlu's pace, which, hmmm, kinda made things alittle difficult. i cannot to dips for nuts! my arms are so weak! damn. still, i'm quite happy with my performance today. at least i survived and did relatively well. to add on to that, that little note from debbie really made all the tiredness go away. that sweet sweet thing. i am so touched.

i really feel like a bum now. after we met an old friend in the restaurant, catching up alittle, updating each other about live. and of course, we reached to the topic which i really hate the most. 'so what are you doing now? where are you schooling?' it carries on, and you know eventually what it'll lead to. i felt so embarrassed, i wanted to dig a hole in the ground and hide there forever. i was expecting my mum to shun away from that question and digress. my dad actually told him what i was doing! not only that, he sounded like a proud father of a daughter with straight As, who already secured a place in the law fac. i felt so damn bad. it then came to me that dad always had high expectations of me, just that he never mentions. he always had 100% confidence and faith in me that i will somehow do well. why didnt i? i do i have to screw up at the last lap? i'm so fucked up. i'm sorry dad, im not perfect afterall.

i kinda love thursdays, cause they're days i can jump into bed and i'll be off to dreamland in less than 5 mins. fatigue is actually good, for me that is. at least for one day a week, i dont have to toss and turn just trying to fall asleep.

so many good movies coming up, i just wanna watch them all! too bad i'm currently undergoing financial crisis. so there goes the luxury of movie marathon-ing.

money makes the world go round.

this time i want you to love me much more.

i'm just the first to admit it

you call me up and say you need it

2006-05-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

you call me up and say you need it

i'm sitting right in front of the com(duh!), listening to my bro rant to his eight-year girlfriend(who the hell gets attached for eight years?!) about politics and commenting about the pre-rally stuff thats going around. and typing this nonsense. not forgetting, popping Ferrero Rochers into my mouth as if they're free. does these make sense at all?

tau huay is the best remedy of aching bones and swelling joints after trainings. hopefully my thighs wont be as soft as tay huay. more endurance tomorrow. i miss training under mr tang. miss training with nette, sha, ali, daniel, rahman, izzie, zaid, shingo, yasin and cheryl-ann. i miss the way we warmup, do drills. our sets, 300m-s(i know i'm crazy), 110kg weights during gym. and hitching a ride from mr tang back, where he'll going on and on about his entire life story. with him booming into my ears. why didn i continue training with them? i really dont know why. pardon me, i started thinking about all these on the way home.

i'm really clueless about what i'm feeling now. am i upset? not really. am i tired? why should i be? am i angry? i dont think so. am i heartbroken? whats the meaning of that word? i think i feel very empty now, without a reason. i know i'm crazy, i think i am.

sometimes i wonder whether i've only taken one wrong step in my to make it screw up so badly now. or were my steps never the right ones? am i to be blamed, or is it someone else? should i carry on with what i've set on doing, or should i reconsider my options, not that i have many.

i suddenly feel like starting school straight away. i wanna fly to aussie now and never come back. i wanna keep myself busy, i wanna study. okay i think i should stop here. i'm getting cranky.

to you, to me, to no one else

then you wave your hand and say 'leave it'

like a shoebox of photographs

2006-05-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

like a shoebox of photographs

i've yet to deposit my pay cheque and i already splurged 1/5 of my pathetic pay on a top and cap.ITS ONLY THE SECOND DAY OF THE MONTH, GOD DAMNIT! that means i CANNOT afford to touch my card for the rest of the week, and only survive with whatever's in my wallet, which is, hmmmm, less than 10 bucks?

another extremely boring day. work, suntec, home. i think tomorrow will be worse. i'm still considering whether to study for SAT test. but i apparently dont seem to have much time left, since its this sat. who takes SAT tests on POLLING DAY?! i dont wanna be proven and certified to be the dumbest ass on earth. i'd probably get a chance to print my name on the world record book with my SAT scores. 'GIRL WITH THE LOWEST SCORE EVER'.

another night of you in my dreams. it never seem to end. not that i'm dreading sleep these nights, i cant seem to slumber. so i end up being so listless during work, and it freaks me out when Mr Boss's so scurry and flustered, with his 'aiy-s and sighs'. poor old man. God, give him a break. its my turn to cry.

nothing much to say today, probably will be so for the next couple of days, judging from the entries in my organizer. i'm off to stuff more Rochers with that pig of a bro.

tomorrow, when the lights are out

love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart
why are we here and where do we go
and how come it's so hard
it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
i'll tell you one thing
it's always better when we're together

sepia tone loving

i want more

2006-05-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

i want more

ben & jerry's. mission accomplished! haha, thanks to miss tan, i had a wonderful Labour's Day desert.lunch with tina and gang can be so enjoyable cause they're simply so hilarious, you cant close your teeth together.wonder how long more will i get to share meals with them.

it is only the first day of the month and i already have that periodic impulsive of wanting to grab everything i see, throw them at the counter, flash my card, press the pin and sashay out of the store with my fruits of hardwork.i'm crazy. this only seem to happen when i'm out with jj. SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME YOU HUGE MONSTER!

it feels so good to have shorter nails again. goodbye to continuous typo errors, hello to painless process of taking my contacts out. d, you did a great job! thanks, love.

i seem to have forgotten how it is like to feel pain from right within your skin. to ache everytime you awake and realise that it is all a dream. why do we even have dreams?

to see a woman in your dream, represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. it refers to your own female aspects or may also represent your mother. alternatively, it may indicate temptation and guilt. if you know the woman, then it may symbolize the concerns and feelings you have about her.

and sometimes i really wonder whether my existence matters. maybe it doesnt, maybe it does, too much, it shouldnt be shown.this is so nonsensical. i dont know what's going on anymore. but does it really make a difference if i knew? probably not.

another new week, uncertain of what the next day will be like. living each day like its the last, hopefully. it makes things alot easier that way you know.

if you could love me again
the way you loved me last summer

impossible to ignore

for the day i die

2006-04-30T20:36:00.000+08:00

for the day i die

i'm a wasted piece of shit. an absolute embarrassment, and a burden to others. i was so wasted last night, i sat outside zouk/phuture alone, with my head spinning, puffing cancer sticks like a smoke machine. eventually, puking my lungs out. i forgot what happened after that, but i was told, for the first time in 3 years, i broke down in front of the swimmers and i think i really shocked all of them. other than cheaps and wei of course. 'she's probably not so care-free afterall' i'm sure thats what all of them think of me now. damn.

i'm fine now, i really am.

phong is gone now, back to thai. i'm gonna miss that huge, kind and loveable frankenstin.i love the swimmers. jj, ko, ming, sim, phong, cheaps and wei. people who will never turn their back on you. people who wouldnt stand 20m away from you despite the stinging stench of puke. instead, sitting right beside you to cuddle you, maybe it mightn be true, telling you that everything's gonna be okay. constantly checking if you are alright when you're slumped against the chair in phuture. where do you find such buddies? never. but i did.

the long weekend's gonna be over soon. another new week is coming. i dont know how long i'mma be in this mood(i dont know what kinda mood i'm in though). i hope it'll go away soon.

i'd love to think that you love it too

i'mma touch the sky

the rhythm still goes on

2006-04-29T04:34:00.000+08:00

the rhythm still goes on

i seriously have no idea why i'm still here at this hour typing this, when i should be in bed, and brandon's still here to chat with me on msn. man, i miss him.

i dont know why, but everything today seems so symbolic, as if its trying to tell me something. or maybe its just me. i dropped my ipod ear protector before i stepped out of the gate, so i decided to leave the other side in my pocket. on the way home, while i was fumbling through my pockets, i stumbled upon it again. i was contemplating to throw it away cause i knew i wouldnt be able to find the other side, but i stuffed it back into my pocket. when i got home, while climbing up the stairs, i actually found that lost pair! but when i overturn all my pockets, i couldnt find the one i supposedly stuffed back into my pocket. does it mean that everytime you expect to find something, you never will. but it comes out when you least expect it? no, it means that i should just fuck it.

a couple of very bad things that occured to me in zouk/phuture:
1.couples whether they're together or not, busy caressing each other.
2.my knee giving way at the wrong time.
3.a young lady who was attempting to rip my heart out and stab it a million times.
4.the appearance of Mr H.D, to add on to everything bad that was mentioned above.

i guess you already know me inside out, that you know exactly where my heart, intestines and kidneys are. and you happen to be the only one who can do so, and only your words will pierce through my heart as if it wasnt even there at all. surprisingly, nothing really got me today, i dont know why. i seriously swear that i would've walked out of the damn club so many times. but you know what? i didn even think about it. not until now. i used to tell myself that you're the only person's mind i can never read and i can never antisipate what you'll do next. probably that just a very blatant excuse to cover up for my stupidity. the biggest idiots on earth arent the ignorant ones, but the willing ones. i am a big idiot i know. i'm in love.a very long time ago i was, and still am.

i'm emphasising for the umpteen time that i have no intentions at all in trying to disrupt your plans or whatsoever. neither am i still harbouring the thought that something may happen along the way some day. i've gotten your point loud and clear. it ended that very day, there and then. and i will not harp on that again. even if i do, it'll be only to myself. i know you were probably expecting a very lengthy letter from me. you are half right, cause i wrote it, and tore it away. there's no sense in giving you a chuck of rubbish which you already know the content inside out, which will most likely spoil whatever friendship we share now. i'm contented with what i have now, and even happier to know that you enjoyed yourself so much tonight/this morning(apparently you did). i ask of nothing else, really. and IF there were to be a day that you wanna make a U-turn, i'm still here, and always will be.

brandon's offline already. time for me to hit the cribs too. goodnight to the world, who didnt see the tears hidden in my eyes, the world that only contains one person.

quote of the day:
'she has stood by me for 3 years. she has always been the nicest to me and she will do anything for me. but its time it ends.'

but it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're the otherside of the world to me

i'll love you again, for the very last time, and always

even when i die

i take your invitation

2006-04-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

i take your invitation

27.04.06 - 3.05am

i found a hundred and one(and counting) different sleeping positions while i was desperately trying to fall asleep. i've tried counting sheeps, counting mrs toh(physics tutor, tjc 04-05), even counting mrs fong(primary sch P whose about 80 already?)! staring into space, what-have-you-s. i think at the end of the month, i can come up with a book, "SLEEPASUTRA" it'll be the best seller of the year for Times, spread all over to the whole of Europe. Alright, this is seriously what you'll get when you get only 2 hours of sleep.CRAP.

one of the alternatives was to text my bro, this is how it went,

me: hi, are you studying very hard now? i'm just here to disturb you. your sis cant seem to get to sleep and she has to work tomorrow. so she's in deep trouble.
half an hour later
bro: i tot you got no work? dad say you have?
me: ya, he said yes when i msged him just now. i'm so dead. he told you that i dont have to?
bro: where r u?
me: tsk, at home of course? in my room on the bed if you want the specifics. haha, what kind of a question is that?!
bro: i tot u are out wat... just go to slp la. pls u are big liao, take care of yourself. u are suppose to take care of dad lor. he not in good mood and he's tired.
me: i dont stay out so late on weekdays. relax, i'm just telling you i cant sleep. i'm trying to i swear! and i'll take care of old man, no worries. okay, go study hard!
bro: ok. slp tight den.

is this the ultimate sign of cuteness or what?! i couldnt stop myself from laughing my intestines out, reading his messages!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on a serious tone, i was dragging myself everywhere today, and i made this insane decision to join the kids in training, instead of sitting at the grand stand comfortably and raising my voice occassionly. i had this sudden urge to let everything out, and i had no better idea than to run my balls off. i survived and completed it. i was actually surprised i said 'yes i can do it!' before we started our last 400m. i wondered silently to myself, 'since when was i ever that optimistic and strong-willed'. probably only on the track i am. if so, where has my qualification for finals gone to? the consolation was the compliment by miss tan that i'm not that off form after all, and of course that container of tau huay! ben and jerry's here i come! damn, i'm aching all over.

at least it kept me away from all the nonsense for awhile. on the long bus ride home alone again, i was too exhausted, i fell asleep. i've succeeded. i will sleep in peace tonight.

i love the world, but i love you much more

and you take all of me

you smile the widest

2006-04-27T00:10:00.000+08:00

you smile the widest

i really hate the long bus rides home alone, cause thats when you think about everything under the sun, about everything you've done and those that you havent. yet i love them so much cause thats the time i get to be quiet and people wont ask me if i'm alright, cause i hate to say that i am, when i'm lying so obviously. ironic isnt it? its as bad as how the world's revolving now.

'i believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye', as that song blasted randomly from my ipod into my ears, i realised that it doesnt work for me this way. i knew what i had when it was still around me, just that i didnt understand why i've lost it. perhaps till today, i still dont know why. 'you never will', you'll probably tell me, 'cause you're so damn oblivious.'(something you once said to me. i dont know why, i dont wish to remember whatever you've said, especially the very hurtful ones, but i just do.). i couldnt believe i've lost it just like that, its just too hard to swallow. i thought time will erase everything, but the time never seem to be up. its always there, i dont know for how long more. maybe it wouldnt at all. cause the more i want it to end, the more i hope it stays. i know i dont make sense at all, i guess i never do when it comes to you.

you told me awhile ago, that you're tired of hanging there, and you think that its really time to just walk away, throw everything behind. i think you're pretty much close to that now. i'm now being thrown far behind your mind, and i've been forced to leap out of your heart, from that position i once held so tightly to.have you really ever listened to what i had to say? you never really bothered to i suppose, cause i know words never came out right when its supposed to be delivered to you. it comes out all wrong that what i say never matched my actions. and i'm too afraid to force my point to you, cause i'm afraid of losing just that slightest contact i have with you. i'm not tired of hanging there, i'm tired of trying to get out of it. i've tried so many times, and as you and all that are close to my heart can see, i failed through and through. and the price i paid, was much too heavy for me to afford. remember the very first time i bumped into you along the streets. at that moment, i realised i was in deep trouble and i had no idea how to get out of it. i wanted to seek help from you, but i was afraid that you'll call me a wimp again. i'm not a wimp, but i dont know how to hurt someone, the way you can. i sometimes wished, i was as hard hearted as you are, i'd probably be far from where i am now.

you seem to prefer coming in and out of my world, as and when you feel like it, and so much so, i'm quite acustomed to it already. and i rather things be the way it is, than you leaving for good. i love to hear about how happy you are with life and the things you do, cause that makes me visualize your smile, that smile which never seems to fade away after so long. that smile that i fell in love with, and that smile which is the most beautiful to me. i've settled for the minimal amount of contact we had and have right now, and you appearing in my dreams once in awhile, where you'll linger in my mind for a couple of days, and that bitterness after successfully overcoming that ridiculous urge to text you.

i believe you can throw out your heart to someone that far, it never returns to you. you can give your love to someone, there isnt any more to spare to others. you have that same person in your mind and your heart, and no one else. but then again, why would you want the love of your life to leave your heart? doesnt make sense, does it?

i know you currently you're set on moving ahead, without me. that doesnt really burn me as much as knowing that you're unhappy too. i love to imagine myself driving you around, to places we'd love to go. probably perth will be a better place for spins, but deep down inside, i know its just a secret dream, with a painful fact that it will never come true. nevertheless, this secret dream of mine keeps me alive.

i wouldnt say anything to you, nothing about US will ever come out of my mouth, cause i dont wish to jeopardize any decisions you maybe making now. as long as it will make you happy, i'll hope you'd take that choice. if you ever think of wanting to make a U-turn, you can always do so. i'd still be here, now and always, whether you believe or not. a very long time ago, i gave you my heart, for you to keep. and till today, i havent gotten it back, and i have a hunch, i never will.you've always been within me, no matter how hard i try to get you out. maybe i havent tried hard enough to, or is it that i dont wanna try harder? i really dont know.

i suddenly wish that you'll be reading all these, but i'm so glad you will never. cause i dont wanna have the painful fact of us being 'just friends' slapped on my face, which i know you will. dont, cause i've gotten your point.

'i believe we place our happiness in other people's hands', sounds so senseless, yet it is the fact. a fact that i've accepted a long time ago. and i cant be bothered to change anything.

a very lengthy entry. the sudden urge of letting everything out. that nostalgic feeling's really chewing my from within.

tomorrow will be a better day.

when I cry inside and my insides blow apart

baby when i used to love you

2006-04-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

baby when i used to love you

partial fractions, intergration, calculus, trigonometry
demand & supply, role of government, foreign exchange

i though it'll all bury together with the life in TJC, but apparently not.

welcome back to the life of books, notes, tutorials and soon, exams.

maybe it's me, maybe bore you
no, no, it's my fault cause i can't afford you
maybe Baby, Puffy or Jay-Z
would all be better for you
cause all i can do is love you

there's nothing i wouldnt do

as she burns me

2006-04-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

as she burns me

if i could bottle up the chills that you give me
i would keep them in a jar next to my bed
and if i should ever draw a picture of a woman
it is you that would come flowing from my pen

i'm screaming out for more

bare me your soul

2006-04-03T23:37:00.000+08:00

bare me your soul

i'd love to think that this is the last time i'm every gonna say this

you know i miss you
this is all i wanna do
i know it doesnt sound too cool
but maybe i'm still in love with you

and i'll tell you what it means to me.

and i hear 'em say

2006-04-03T13:00:00.000+08:00

and i hear 'em say

another lazy monday, i drag myself outta bed, not knowing what i'm suppose to do for the day.this aimlessness is driving my bonkers. the last time i need, is my ma to shout and scream into my face reminding me NOT to be a useless bum.

so, what do you think?

nothing ever promises tomorrow, today

more than i can handle

2006-02-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

more than i can handle

DOOMS DAY IS FINALLY HERE

beautiful dawn

2006-02-27T22:50:00.000+08:00

beautiful dawn

gosh, i'm perpetually dragging myself to the com to type this whole bunch of nonsense. i swear those trackers are unbelievable! those stuff that i've taught them just never seem to register in their thick skulls. i was actually screaming my lungs out, the entire school can hear me! damn embarrassing.

another few months to go before i can retire and hand this bunch of jokers over to Mr Tang. please Mr Tang, SAVE ME!!!

another day and a half and counting. this is so terrible, i can hardly sleep at night. i'm still traumatized by my dream the other night. please dont let me get anything more than CCC!

god bless

i'm gonna start a drama

2006-02-26T18:02:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna start a drama

i woke in cold sweat cause i dreamt that i failed maths. HOW CAN I BLOODY HELL FAIL MATHS?!! if i'm gonna tell my bro,

me: kor, i failed maths!
bro: who the hell fails maths you sick shit!!

but still, i've got jellyfishes in my pants.

i wonder, why is it so damn difficult to put my point across to people around me that life can be beautiful if we think that it is. they just wont listen. or is it me whose the complicating one?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER DEAREST!

my ma's 50 today. (:

this is how it goes

2006-02-19T20:51:00.000+08:00

this is how it goes

the silence kept within me
needs to break free

even when time slips away

2005-11-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

even when time slips away

it took me one life time to realise

all i need is this one love

but it never seems to be so simple

yet it actually is so lovely

love me once again, like yesterday

will you?

the feeling is here to stay

perhaps perhaps perhaps

2005-11-04T00:51:00.000+08:00

perhaps perhaps perhaps

i cant to put my finger on it

but deep down inside

i know that,

all i want is

you

yes you, just you

thats what she told me

you told me

2005-08-31T22:47:00.000+08:00

you told me

dreams seem so far fetch
makes me so out of place

i'm trying so hard to breathe
but all i wish is to see your face

------------------------------

when yesterday seems like a hundred years ago
when your touch seems to be forever

but the way you breathe down my neck
makes me clench my heart and seek revenge

once i see your face
everything just goes away

why

do you know who am i talking to?

tomorrow isnt somthing

we should hope for

take that paper in your hands

2005-08-06T11:40:00.000+08:00

take that paper in your hands

why do i feel a tung in my heart

why do i still feel as if it was just yesterday

why do i see you telling me that tomorrow is a reality

why do you seem to take things at ease

when my heart's burning badly

eating itself from within

love me again would you

and crash down the quiet alley

perhaps the songs i sang

2005-07-09T14:33:00.000+08:00

perhaps the songs i sang

crashed as you can see
give me back my yesternoon

broken as you can sense
show me clear, of what i've done

devastated as you realise
tell me you understand my silent tears before dawn

let the broken heal will you?

wouldnt let you know what i meant

yet another nightmare after tomorrow

2005-07-01T10:45:00.000+08:00

yet another nightmare after tomorrow

if only silent tears would make some sound

if only silent confessions would help

if only you know what i mean

i'd probably wouldnt say this

where the sun will never shine

jealousy

2005-06-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

jealousy

turning saints into the sea

everything seems to come to a stop
i dont feel anything anymore

tell me this sweet dream will never end

cause all that was given to me
was nothing but a series of nightmares

fairy god mother,
save me please

jiawei: yupp!!! see you tomorrow!!!! ((:

*moo/-ed : i'm holding onto everything i have now, and i'll never, let go. -hugss tight

rhonda: hey sponge!!! yeahhh please catch up soon ya? enjoy yourself over the hols, but study hard alrighty? misses! hugs

swimming through sick lullabies

choking on your alibis

so this is how it goes baby

2005-05-14T19:11:00.000+08:00

so this is how it goes baby

just when things made a U-turn

everything just came crashing back

this turmoil is killing me

lucifer, take me home

rhonda: hey there! so glad you dropped a message. yes! i miss you tons too! arggg, school work and all the shit is making us both so busy, and its annoying! we'll catch up real soon ya? at the meantime, all the best for your chinese O's, and prelims which yes i know is quite a while away. and take care yes? bump into you soon! hugs

can you see the rage burning in my eyes

i get angry at your words

and i go home

she sang me a love song

2005-04-27T22:29:00.000+08:00

she sang me a love song

could everything be as simple as it was yesterday
and stories you've made up will be what i wanna hear

talk to me, dont set me free
run away, but stay by me

let me be, oh let me be

geri: hey there! glad we met up the other day! hope things are going on fine for you! take care

rhonda: hello SPONGE!!!! so happy i saw you AGAIN the other day, on the bus. hope to bump into you again real soon. meet up ya?! lovee

jiawei: how is it like to be 18?!!! hope you enjoyed yourself the other day! take care.

but told me a lie

i'm not sure of what i see

2005-04-17T00:43:00.001+08:00

i'm not sure of what i see

cupid dont fuck with me

if only i could
paint rainbows in your sky
sing songs to sooth your mind

things wouldnt turn out
the way they are now.

but i'm glad i didn

pardon me for being lazy to reply comments

are you telling me

this is a sign

no, not to today

2005-03-16T11:47:00.000+08:00

no, not to today

my soul slides away
but dont look back in anger,

i heard her say

but she wouldnt know why

at least not today