ABOUT ME
Sunday, February 10, 2008
like a flower
has your heart been taken away, the very first time you saw her smile. the smile that just keeps you wanting for more. that smile that you know you'd probably never ever see again, yet you'd do anything to get a step closer to it. like what most people say, falling in love with someone at first sight, the infamous tagline "you had me at hello".
i personally do not believe in such superficial incidents, yet i'm envious of those who actually made it happen. how can someone fall in love with another just at once glance? it is so amazing, yet so unbelievable.
it is times like this where i feel that i need something more than just what i have now, but i'm too afraid to want for more. what does it mount up to when you have the desire, but no courage to acquire? then you fall back into the comfort zone which you have been seeking solace in, you just dont want to move. i truly believe this is the reason why i've been procrastinating so much. finding all sorts of reasons to think that being alone is the best option for me. who can take another setback?
so all i can do now, is to brave 21 the way i had for 18, 19 and 20, to fight this urge of wanting to abandon the familiarity of being alone. cause only you wouldnt hurt yourself, will you?
building life on stones and pebbles
soaking in the rain
baring my soul Thursday, February 07, 2008 not that 21 is such a big thing, but
baring my soul Monday, January 28, 2008 when it comes round to you
baring my soul Friday, January 18, 2008 one might give
baring my soul Monday, January 14, 2008 i want you to notice
baring my soul Friday, January 11, 2008 its a beautiful day
baring my soul Friday, January 04, 2008 only if you knew
baring my soul
at 11:20 PM
Happy Birthday you fool.
at 1:49 AM
lies are things that can save the day, and they can ruin lives. despite this knowledge, we still cant save ourselves from this conviction. we still tell lies. whether or not it is with intention to help others, or to save our sorry asses. like i've once said, at the end of the day, the ones who get hurt the most, by the truth that we've been trying to hide, is none other than ourselves. so why put ourselves through all that? one simple lie and cause the lives of others, but yet this same lie can make people's day. when is it the correct time to lie, and when isnt? i dont really know. sometimes, i really wish i did.
but yet it is so damn true, that truth begins with lies. lies brings out the truth in the clearest light, and also because of lies, we truly understand the importance of truth, and treasure it even more. cause truth, never comes easily.
i feel that people lie cause they cant handle the truth. but in that split second, we fail to consider the fact that the consequences of the lies we've created are even harder to handle. what is broken, is broken. you can never patch it back. the things we've said cant be un-said. once you're a liar, you'd always be one.
do you find that the hardest thing to accept, isnt that someone has left you for another. it isnt the cheating or the fights that are hard to swallow. but it is when things are left hanging loose, when you are being hung loose on the string, is when you feel that you've been trashed. down right trashed. that form of silence is ironically deafening. you'd rather have all the negative things thrown in your face, whether or not it is shameful, hurting or pride drowning. at least it is the truth, and nothing but the truth. it is an answer, it is a route out. it is also, most importantly, a reason to let go.
and it is times like this, when i wish for nothing, but to get out of this place immediately. the longer away from this place, the better. even at the expense of my family and friends. i want to run away, just like a bloody coward. but at least it keeps me away from trouble, and it makes me feel alive and worthy of every second that i breathe.
if you land on your feet, i hope you'd fine a way to make it back to me
it goes round and leaves you
at 1:37 AM
how weird does it feel to not feel anything at all? at this moment in time, this, is exactly how i'm feeling. nothing at all. it makes me wonder if it is really empty within me, or that there's too much to feel, i dont know which to settle for.
as i read a friend's blog entry about the novel "lovely bones", brought back a lot of memories. the time when i read that novel, and the feelings i had after reading it. what hit me the most, wasnt her description of the novel, but what she wrote after that, about the personalised heaven her friends would have. her idea of mine was
D: Her
a very simple one-word description of my heaven. bewildered, i went to ask her about it, and her reply was
H: i think that one word will make your heaven what?
hearing this cuts through my heart, not because i felt that being a good friend she has failed to understand me, and think that i'd be so shallow as to feel that way. but it was because it is the bare truth that even my good friend can see through it all. that i am in fact that shallow. and it reminds me that i will never have a perfect heaven, cause without you there is no heaven.
but life is not all that sad and brutal. God is fair, like my mom always says. He gave me a wonderful life, family and friends, not to have to worry about having not enough food or no shelter above my head, good grades, and a strong will to prove my worth. you in exchange for all these. right now, i cant tell if its worth it. life will be exactly the way you want it to be, if you think it is.
there's nothing more that i want, than to stand outside you door and listen to you breathing
where the other wont bend
at 2:31 AM
do you often get the urge to want to go back to the place you never thought you belonged in? that weird sense of belonging seems to be luring me. perhaps that is the place where i have a reason to feel lonely. it gives me a reason to cry. but who ever said that we need reasons to cry? if we dont need any, then why am i trying so hard to hide those tears? and after those tears and courage, where does all the effort go to?
we are the the sole victims of our hypocrisies and lies. cause i always feel that if you hurt people with the truth that you've tried to hide, you'll end up hurting yourself even harder. why do we have to try so hard just to behave in a way that we ourselves dont approve of? that we have to cover our true selves just to fit in. if the world cannot contain people who are different, why should we even be given a chance to exist?
a friend told me not too long ago, that Aquarians do not mind being alone. in fact, they like that. not that i think its bull-shit, but i wonder to myself, being a true-blue Aquarian, how true is that? i suppose we all have to admit that no one wants to be alone. but the difference is, how many people actually go about attempting to shun any chance of being alone? i believe it is the people who constantly fill their lives with an endless list of people, who are the loneliest ones alive. and its when they realize how terrible it feels to stand in the crowd but yet still feel so alone, they fall. then accept that they were meant to be alone. thats where they stop trying so hard, they do nothing about it all together.
tonight, is a night where i feel like being true to myself at least, that life isnt so perfect after all. cause if i'm cursed to make the same mistake time and time again, i will never be right about. and for the very fact that i'm not suited to handle matters related to interpersonal relationships, i think i should not try at all. i truly deserve to be alone. and i'm fine with it. i dont have a choice, do i?
i stand in the crowd alone, hoping that one day, i'll see you in the midst of people.
through the narrow door, i break into a run
when i'm not around
at 4:24 AM
there is a strong surge of disappointment within me, that presses me to type this entry. yet this exact same feeling has left me loss for words. i wonder to myself, how can two people who have once shared the same bed, with one feeling the breath of the other down her neck, those fingers which once wrapped around each other, now can no longer look each other into the eye. its worse than being strangers. cause even strangers wont feign pretense, they just dont know of each other's presence. so now, can i wish for that too? that we have never met. but would it make me feel any better. maybe acknowledgment at this point in time would bring about an extremely awkward situation, but why would it still matter that much?
when three people are caught in frenzy, someone would just have to leave so that things wouldnt get out of hand. i'm not trying to be magnanimous, i'm not that self-less. but its only logical to. what would i get out of being persistent? the agony of three people? sometimes i wonder what i get myself into. cause at the end of the day, even if i'm able to walk out of this chivalrously, i would still be the one that has caused all the drama to the other party's friends. and to my own friends, i would be once again living up to my entitlement of being frivolous.
i get very random thought these days. thanks to Rihanna's "together we'll mend your broken heart" got me thinking real hard for the night. if a heart could really be mend, then why do we loose them? doesnt really make a lot of sense, does it? and if we could really mend a heart, i wouldnt mind mending it over and over again, till the stitches overlap, cause it beats not having one.
note to self: never ever get into other people's shit. be the one who causes it instead. at least you can walk away unharmed.
if i could tell you, for one last time, that you still mean the world to me
down the back alley, we save all we can for tomorrow
in this city of shining lights
at 3:46 PM
we always try to make ourselves feel a little happier each day, till it comes to a point in time, we just get so tired of trying. who the hell are we trying to kid? just because we dont have the guts to face up to the fact that we are the most pathetic souls alive. or is it that we dont believe that such predicament will befall on us when people around us are bliss? why do such things always fall on us? what have we done to deserve such things? then we lose sight of those who really care for us, and we think that it is only a facade. cause truly, we are the only ones who can make ourselves smile from within, for the very fact that we are the ones who make ourselves cry.
i shall dedicate this entry to you, since i know, you're someone that i will never cross paths with. never again. that wasnt fate, it was just a coincidence. despite that, i still thank you for everything that you've done, and never intended to. life was brought to another level because of your presence. a very short-lived 3 week presence, but an impact for a lifetime.
it was initially enticing, but eventually dreading. the fault doesnt lie in anyone cause there was no fault to even begin with. nobody paid attention to the things going around us, we just take it for granted. we let the very thing that holds people together, just slip us by. life is in our hands, we either make it, or break it. and i think i, with my own bare hands, broke it. mishandled, mistreated, shameless, silence, shelving, selfish. all in the name of seeking for happiness. if you cant find it off this person, jump onto the next. girls are like monkeys, before they find a firmer branch, they cling onto another first. very logical, very practical.
we love, we live. we take then we give. sometimes we find ourselves giving more than taking. hardly the other way around. that is why we always feel that we can never give enough, cause it just isnt enough. not enough to hold onto the ones we love. you couldnt, so did i. we both are at the same terminal, just waiting to hop onto different planes. that was why we missed each other, we just walk straight pass each other. we are not each other's destination. i am always someone else's interchange. someone comes in and seek shelter, and when their bus comes, they board it, then leave without looking back. where do i go from there? i go no where, cause i'm always around. the buses, the people leave, but the interchange stays for good.
you have a lot ahead of you in life. just that you have yet to realise it, and you have not considered it. so i hope, one day, you'll make it. you will have the life you want, and i dont have to be the one who buys you the house you want to live in, but i'll still be the one who listens.
i'm neither intriguing nor special. i'm probably just a little different from the people you know. but then again, how different can i be? i'm only human, am i? just like you do, we all hope for a better tomorrow, where the sun will always shine for us. so remember, you will never know how much the sun needs you. what you feel is what you are, and what you are, is beautiful.
dance dance in the morning light, open your darkened eyes. hey hey its a beautiful day, will be okay, it will be okay. take a look, spin around, this is where i find you, where the roses bloom. leave your cares, leave your fears, leave them all behind you. its a beautiful day in a city of shining lights. its a beautiful day, this is where i find you. in your midnight eyes, i see a summer sunrise
your life is an astonishing maze
just how much the sun needs you
at 3:44 PM